TITLE: GONE WILD
GENRE: YA Speculative Fiction
While crossing Stellar 3’s wasteland to reach the safety of the colony, Lia’s little brother, Joe, is mortally injured. A girl tells Lia about a planetary myth: the desert dragons bestow unlimited power on those who need it most. But to earn the power to heal Joe, Lia must bind her soul to the dragon forever.
I read this on KT Crowley's blog as well, and I like the changes you've made. I would suggest changing 'a girl tells' to 'Lia hears' just to eliminate the confusion of extra characters. Also, what happens if her soul does get bound to the dragon?
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you made. I think you don't need the girl or Joe's name:
ReplyDeleteWhile crossing Stellar 3’s wasteland to reach the safety of the colony, Lia’s little brother[] is mortally injured. [She hears] a planetary myth [about a] desert dragons [that] bestows unlimited power on those who need it most[, but] to earn the power to heal [her brother,] Lia must bind her soul to the dragon forever.
Thank you both so much. Do you think I somehow need to include her fear of losing herself in the mind of the dragon if she bonds? I hesitate to add to much to the logline.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion:
ReplyDeleteWhile crossing Stellar 3’s wasteland, Lia’s little brother, is mortally injured. Only the desert dragons could bestow unlimited healing power. To earn this power, she must bind her soul to the dragon forever, risking ...
The second sentence still needs work, but this format opens up the ability to add detail for the bond.
I like this concept. Good job.
I like this! My only thoughts are to leave out the little brother's name and to get rid of the part about "a girl tells her." You could just start the second sentence with "The desert dragons bestow . . ."
ReplyDeleteI know a little bit about this story, so maybe it's not fair for me to comment, but for what it's worth, I agree with the suggestions to cut the girl and leave out Joe's name.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to see Lia as the subject of the first sentence, rather than her brother. What about something like:
As Lia shepherds a band of shipwrecked children across the wasteland of Stellar 3, her little brother is injured. Legend says the desert dragons bestow unlimited power on those who need it most. To heal her brother, Lia must risk losing her mind by binding her soul to the dragon forever.
My other suggestion is to name Lia as the character first:
ReplyDeleteWhile crossing..., Lia finds her little brother mortally injured.
Only because it tripped me up a bit who is the MC; had to read over a few times. I like the other suggestions made.
The piece that's still missing is the consequences of binding her soul to that of a dragon. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I assume it's a bad thing, so you need to say why it's a bad thing. Does it cause her to feel pain for life, or lose all consciousness of self, or lose control of her actions?
ReplyDeleteI also wonder why Lia would believe a myth.
You don't need to say "mortally injured". It's assumed you mean that his life is threatend when you say "injured" or "gravely injured".
ReplyDelete"A girl" seems irrelevant here. Just say that Lia learns that she can save Joe if she gains this healing power from the dragons.
Finally, there are no apparent stakes here. What happens if she binds her soul to the dragon? What makes it worse than saving her brother's life?
Good luck!
Holly
Thank you everyone!
ReplyDeleteHow about this revision:
As Lia leads a group of shipwrecked kids across the wasteland of Stellar 3, her little brother is gravely injured. A legend says the desert dragons bestow unlimited power on those who need it most. But to earn the ability to heal her brother, Lia must bind her soul to the dragon and risk losing her mind to the beast forever.
My first reaction was that I like this one, and it does make me curious about the book. But I agree that you should start with the emphasis on Lia herself, leave out the brother's name, and tighten it just a little.
ReplyDeleteI think Martha's revision is spot on, actually; I don't see anything in that one that I would want to change.
I like the revision. It settles the questions I had by naming the downside of binding herself to the dragon.
ReplyDelete