TITLE: The Alliance
GENRE: YA Science Fantasy
When 16-year-old Jace Faulkner realizes he can manipulate energy fields the discovery sets off a series of events that leads to a galactic civil war, pitting father against son and Jace's morals against his heart.
It took me a couple of times to read this. Something is just slightly off.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion-
When 16-year-old Jace Faulkner discovers he can manipulate energy fields it sets off ...
But I think the concept - I'm a sucker for a good ol' galactic civil war.
I think it might be easier to read like this:
ReplyDeleteWhen 16-year-old Jace Faulkner realizes he can manipulate energy fields[, he] sets off a series of events that leads to a galactic civil war, pitting father against son and Jace's morals against his heart.
I don't think you need the phrase "a series of events." Just the galactic civil war. Also, this is short so you've got some room. Is it possible to give us an indication of why his morals and his heart are in conflict? This last sentence is very vague as far as conflict is concerned.
ReplyDeletePatchi's suggestion is great, but you could still cut the series of events without losing any info and it ups the tension to go straight to the galactic war.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments that you can eliminate "a series of events". I think you'll grab the reader even more if you bring in more emotion and specificity about his morals and his heart as Shannon mentioned. Include just a little about what pulls at his heart, what his difficult decision is, and why it matters. It seems it may be his relationship with his dad--give us more of that in a few words. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGood suggestions so far, I agree with removing "a series of events" for more impact. I also agree with stating what morals Jace is fighting against, just a little more detail.
ReplyDeleteAgree with everyone else (especially Celesta -- what she said!), but I wanted to chime in that all I can think when I see that character name is "Cassie Clare/The Sound and the Fury." I think in this "generation" of YA readers, the first name Jace will always ping on The Mortal Instruments... and for me that is distracting. (Faulkner as a last name isn't bad in and of itself, but coupled w/ the Jace thing, I immediately thought of William Faulkner :D) It might not matter at all, but thought it might be useful to share that gut reaction.
ReplyDeleteI love the concept, and obviously there are some epic stakes involved here, I'd just REALLY like to know what they are! :D If you can dig in and replace the vague statements with concrete details, this logline will SING with awesomeness! Logline = MC + challenge to overcome + what's at stake. We get hints, but only hints. :)
ReplyDeleteYou have a pretty good inciting incident, but I don't see a goal here. What does Jace want? And is he the son in this scenario? Finally "Jace's morals against his heart" is too vague and cliche. What specifically makes this journey difficult?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
And what does he try do about it? What will happen if he fails? Add those two things and tighten.
ReplyDeleteSo Jace finds out he has this ability and ... galactic civil war? I'm sure it's spelled out and makes total sense in the story, but without that explanation, it's too big a leap for me to make. For the purposes of the logline, it might be better to just say he's drawn into the war or becomes part of it. (No one else mentioned it, so maybe I'm the only one who felt that way.)
ReplyDeleteThe "father fighting against son" thing feels like a civil war cliche. Is Jace literally fighting against his own father? If not, it doesn't tell us much about your story. And Jace's morals versus his heart is too vague. What does he want to have or do that his morals tell him is wrong? What are the concrete things he's choosing between?