This is short and to the point, but it left me with a question as to his true identity. Because the alien queen does not know that he is a member of the tribe she slaughtered? Just a tiny clarification, and I think you've got it.
You've got plenty of word count left. I think you can cut the colon and use between. I'd love a little more detail about his true identity and why that's an issue.
Ooh, I like this. the only thing I am left wondering is his true ID. I would name what that is, which hopefully will show why he would then be executed.
I think you can clarify the business about his true identity without adding much. Is it that he hid is true identity as a way to avoid the fate of his people? But keep it tight. Having "plenty of word count left" is a good thing.
Although this is nice and succinct, it's not quite working for me; it feels a bit blunt and isn't leaving me interested enough in the character. And yes, the identity thing is a problem--I agree that we need to know what his identity is, and that would probably help with making this feel more personal as well.
Also, as Holly said, what is your hero's goal? Since both of his options are quite unsavory, how is he going to attempt to get out of the situation? Theoretically it means either fleeing or fighting--and knowing which he would choose would also tell us a lot about his character.
I have to disagree with everyone. Obviously. he is not choosing death, otherwise there would be no story.
So if he chooses to serve the queen the problem is more likely to be along the lines of seeking revenge or escape. What is the real problem here? Build the logline around that.
My only nitpick is maybe you don't need the comma before "or." Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise looks good. Good luck with this Ava! :)
This is a great 1-liner, but I think you could go a bit longer.
ReplyDeleteThis is short and to the point, but it left me with a question as to his true identity. Because the alien queen does not know that he is a member of the tribe she slaughtered? Just a tiny clarification, and I think you've got it.
ReplyDeleteYou've got plenty of word count left. I think you can cut the colon and use between. I'd love a little more detail about his true identity and why that's an issue.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like this. the only thing I am left wondering is his true ID. I would name what that is, which hopefully will show why he would then be executed.
ReplyDeleteShort and punchy. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteI think you can clarify the business about his true identity without adding much. Is it that he hid is true identity as a way to avoid the fate of his people? But keep it tight. Having "plenty of word count left" is a good thing.
Cheers
Leo
Adding a vote to the crowd asking for a bit about his true identity. It seems like that's pivotal to the story.
ReplyDeleteI agree that a tiny bit more clarity could go a long way here. You've really got a powerful logline here (the format is awesome). Brilliantly done!
ReplyDeleteA choice doth not a plot make. What does Eros actually need to do to reach his goal here? And what is his goal...escape? Get revenge?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Very good. Almost too good. Unless it's a historical fantasy, most readers won't be expecting the word "razed."
ReplyDeleteAlthough this is nice and succinct, it's not quite working for me; it feels a bit blunt and isn't leaving me interested enough in the character. And yes, the identity thing is a problem--I agree that we need to know what his identity is, and that would probably help with making this feel more personal as well.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as Holly said, what is your hero's goal? Since both of his options are quite unsavory, how is he going to attempt to get out of the situation? Theoretically it means either fleeing or fighting--and knowing which he would choose would also tell us a lot about his character.
I have to disagree with everyone. Obviously. he is not choosing death, otherwise there would be no story.
ReplyDeleteSo if he chooses to serve the queen the problem is more likely to be along the lines of seeking revenge or escape. What is the real problem here? Build the logline around that.
I'll side with more detail and the inclusion of his goal. Is he just trying to survive, or does he want to accomplish something more?
ReplyDelete