The demigod would enslave a world; the sword would consume nations to destroy him. Disgraced soldier Ryn Ruscroft will challenge both to save the witch he loves and prevent an apocalypse.
Unfortunately this doesn't quite work for me. I had to read it multiple times to really understand what you were getting at. I think it's the first line that doesn't work for me. But! Once i did understand, it sounded really awesome!
The structure and parallelism of the first sentence are fabulous and do initially capture attention.
However, I'm with Sarah--somewhat confused. The sword wants to destroy the demigod, right? Does Ryn wield it, or the demigod? Because if the demigod wields it and the sword wants to kill the demigod (and is somewhat anthropomorphic), then it seems like it'd want to team up with Ryn/anybody else who wants to challenge the demigod. (BUT the push/pull of the demigod and the sword would be intriguing. I'd love to see scenes from that POV.)
This might work better as one cohesive line, adding in the more vague demigod and sword details to replace "both" in the second line. Then we start with a character name rather than an unnamed demigod and a sword that we don't know to whom it belongs. The pitch could still be two lines, though I think it would be stronger starting with the character rather than the abstract. Abstract may work in a query but not a pitch.
I had to read this a number of times to get it. I think part of my difficulty was the structure of the first sentence and the confusing pronouns. Also, what would happen if you started with the protagonist (the last sentence). I applaud your attempt to be different, but I think it generally works best to keep the attention on the protagonist and his conflict/actions.
I'll start off by saying this is an interesting concept. What throws me, though, is the bit about the sword consuming nations. I'm assuming the sword is a person, but it still reads oddly. Maybe "swordsman" or "swordmaiden" or something to give us a hint of who it actually is.
For me it's the "the" in "the demigod" and "the sword" that doesn't work... especially when you use the protagonist's name in the following sentence - switching from the very impersonal to the personal. I am still a bit confused, particularly about how a sword can consume nations but I do like the drama of the first sentence.
The pacing and rhythm of this is brilliant. It's like the logline of an epic adventure movie that the announcer reads in a booming voice. PERFECT. Except the bit about the sword consuming nations. Couldn't tell if you were being poetic or literal there, and my mind stumbled over that a bit. Otherwise, I think this is the best logline I've read yet. :)
The sword consuming nations to destroy a demigod confused me. Who is wielding the sword? And if no one is, then tell me more about that sword. I feel like there are a lot of interesting things mentioned, but I'm not clear how they all tie together. There's a demigod, a sword, a disgraced soldier, a witch and a potential apocalypse. But I feel like I'm reading more of a list than a logline. Good luck with this.
I'm also having a problem with the first sentence, although I admit I can imagine something similar being used in a movie trailer. But as Kerry R. said, the way you're using the article in 'the demigod' and 'the sword' without giving a sense of how they relate to each other or to the hero is a bit jarring.
You might try playing with something closer to the standard format of 'when such and such happens, so-and-so must do such and such' in order to tie the pieces together better. On the plus side, this is definitely 'punchy' and short, which, as I understand it, is how a logline really should be.
I like this, it is just a tad vague. Is the sword a person? A demigod slayer? That's what it sounds like and yet presenting it as "the sword" make me think it is just a weapon and wonder how a mundane object could be caught in an epic war against a demigod. I'm also not quite sure how the witch is connected to either the sword of the demigod.
I like idea of the first sentence. It is dramatic and exciting, but it could have been more clear. I had to read it a few times to really get the meaning. Also, I think a few more details could really make this shine. Just understanding the age of your MC and why he is going to part of the battle would do a lot for me. It does sound like a cool story though. Good luck!
The second sentence isn't bad. The first one confused me. Is "the sword" a character here? Either way, you need to establish the main character and his goal before you give us the obstacles (and you should say he MUST challenge, not he WILL).
I think that first sentence could work if you used proper nouns. Name the demigod, as in Frank, the demigod, and the Sword of Ages, (you will obviously use whatever names you've come up with)or So and so, the Sword, if it's a person. I think it's the vagueness that's causing the confusion.
Unfortunately this doesn't quite work for me. I had to read it multiple times to really understand what you were getting at. I think it's the first line that doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteBut! Once i did understand, it sounded really awesome!
The structure and parallelism of the first sentence are fabulous and do initially capture attention.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm with Sarah--somewhat confused. The sword wants to destroy the demigod, right? Does Ryn wield it, or the demigod? Because if the demigod wields it and the sword wants to kill the demigod (and is somewhat anthropomorphic), then it seems like it'd want to team up with Ryn/anybody else who wants to challenge the demigod. (BUT the push/pull of the demigod and the sword would be intriguing. I'd love to see scenes from that POV.)
Just need a little more clarity.
I think my problem is with the two "would" in the first sentence. Maybe different verbs would make things clearer.
ReplyDeleteI loved the rhythm and pacing of this.
ReplyDeleteThis might work better as one cohesive line, adding in the more vague demigod and sword details to replace "both" in the second line. Then we start with a character name rather than an unnamed demigod and a sword that we don't know to whom it belongs. The pitch could still be two lines, though I think it would be stronger starting with the character rather than the abstract. Abstract may work in a query but not a pitch.
ReplyDeleteI had to read this a number of times to get it. I think part of my difficulty was the structure of the first sentence and the confusing pronouns. Also, what would happen if you started with the protagonist (the last sentence). I applaud your attempt to be different, but I think it generally works best to keep the attention on the protagonist and his conflict/actions.
ReplyDeleteI'll start off by saying this is an interesting concept. What throws me, though, is the bit about the sword consuming nations. I'm assuming the sword is a person, but it still reads oddly. Maybe "swordsman" or "swordmaiden" or something to give us a hint of who it actually is.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I think the structure at the beginning that is confusing people could be very easily fixed if you chose different verbs.
ReplyDeleteI assume the sword has a will of it's own.
For me it's the "the" in "the demigod" and "the sword" that doesn't work... especially when you use the protagonist's name in the following sentence - switching from the very impersonal to the personal. I am still a bit confused, particularly about how a sword can consume nations but I do like the drama of the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteIt's short, but maybe too short.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say "The demigod..." it sounds like a title (like the Pope). It also threw me off.
I was also confused at the sword part.
Basically I was confused. Luckily, you have room to expand.
The pacing and rhythm of this is brilliant. It's like the logline of an epic adventure movie that the announcer reads in a booming voice. PERFECT. Except the bit about the sword consuming nations. Couldn't tell if you were being poetic or literal there, and my mind stumbled over that a bit. Otherwise, I think this is the best logline I've read yet. :)
ReplyDeleteThe sword consuming nations to destroy a demigod confused me. Who is wielding the sword? And if no one is, then tell me more about that sword. I feel like there are a lot of interesting things mentioned, but I'm not clear how they all tie together. There's a demigod, a sword, a disgraced soldier, a witch and a potential apocalypse. But I feel like I'm reading more of a list than a logline. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteI'm also having a problem with the first sentence, although I admit I can imagine something similar being used in a movie trailer. But as Kerry R. said, the way you're using the article in 'the demigod' and 'the sword' without giving a sense of how they relate to each other or to the hero is a bit jarring.
ReplyDeleteYou might try playing with something closer to the standard format of 'when such and such happens, so-and-so must do such and such' in order to tie the pieces together better. On the plus side, this is definitely 'punchy' and short, which, as I understand it, is how a logline really should be.
I like this, it is just a tad vague. Is the sword a person? A demigod slayer? That's what it sounds like and yet presenting it as "the sword" make me think it is just a weapon and wonder how a mundane object could be caught in an epic war against a demigod. I'm also not quite sure how the witch is connected to either the sword of the demigod.
ReplyDeleteI like idea of the first sentence. It is dramatic and exciting, but it could have been more clear. I had to read it a few times to really get the meaning. Also, I think a few more details could really make this shine. Just understanding the age of your MC and why he is going to part of the battle would do a lot for me. It does sound like a cool story though. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence isn't bad. The first one confused me. Is "the sword" a character here? Either way, you need to establish the main character and his goal before you give us the obstacles (and you should say he MUST challenge, not he WILL).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I think that first sentence could work if you used proper nouns. Name the demigod, as in Frank, the demigod, and the Sword of Ages, (you will obviously use whatever names you've come up with)or So and so, the Sword, if it's a person. I think it's the vagueness that's causing the confusion.
ReplyDelete