Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd read on. It sounds like there is a war or something. Definitely interested me enough to continue.
"All was quiet in the city of Athens. All over the streets, guards picked up the dead bodies silently."I like this. I'm hooked but I would rearrange the second sentence a bit.
The repetition doesn't work for you, but this is a great hook! I'd read on!
I'd suggest dropping the silently, but I'd read on.
Good hook. Could be great. The sentence structure needs to be a little more varied... I would actually rephrase the first sentence, since it's a bit of a cliche. "All was quiet" is pretty overused and it's more on the telling side. Can you show the quiet? It's a great opportunity to give a spooky quality -- silent streets with only the echo of footsteps as guards retrieve dead bodies.
"All over the streets," is worded awkwardly. It's really good, just needs a few tweaks of the wording and it would be a great hook.I'd read on!:) Terri
Interesting beginning. Perhaps a tweak to the second sentence: change 'All over' to 'In'.
The last word ruins it, but if I could ignore that, I'd probably love it.
Cut out the first sentence and use the second (tweaked for readability) as the first. Maybe use "In the streets" instead of "All over the streets." And maybe take out silently. But I want to know why there are bodies in the street, so I'll read on.
I wouldn't start two sentences out with the word "all" - it doesn't work in this instance. And either kill the word silently or put it before "picked"Also, try a more active sentence for the beginning, like "Silence filled the city of Athens."
I'm with Lady Glamis, and would also like to see a descriptor of the silence - shocked/heavy/something else better... I'd keep reading, even as it is, but the repetition of 'all' didn't work for me and if there were too many more instances like that, I'd be out.
Er... you don't need quiet AND silently...Not entirely hooked, but I'd read the rest of the paragraph, at least.
Cut "silently" and I'll say yes. :)
Hooked! I want to know what happened to everyone.
Very good. I'd read more. I want to know if it's modern or old. Great sentences.
Good, but as previously mentioned, the second sentence needs rearranging. Or just leave off "silently" as you already used the word quiet
Nice hook. I'm wondering why everyone is dead. What happened?But you could combine the two sentences into one.
They both start with all. That bugs me right off. You have quiet and silently, which seems redundant. But the fact that it’s in Athens and that guards are collecting dead bodies does intrigue me. It’s interesting, but needs retooled.
Intrigued. But consider a different starting word for the second sentence, so you're not repeating "all" twice.
I like the idea, but this is repetative to me - two uses of all and both quiet and silently. I'm a sucker for all things Greece, so I'd read on. Hehe :)