Sixty seconds more until Kay Nelson would be pronounced dead. Fired, actually, but when Grandma Crosby found out, as she undoubtedly would, it wouldn't matter.
Hooked. I could get picky about sentence structure, but I really like the contrast from 'dead' to 'fired, actually'. Strong voice, and I want to know more about Grandma Crosby, for sure!
I liked the contrast between dead and fired too, but I'd remove 'as she undoubtedly would' in the second sentence. I felt like it disrupted the rhythm and it means there's an awful lot of commas in the sentence.
Hooked. I could get picky about sentence structure, but I really like the contrast from 'dead' to 'fired, actually'. Strong voice, and I want to know more about Grandma Crosby, for sure!
ReplyDeleteI found the first sentence awkward to read. But I was intrigued enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like the humor of this very much. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteA little wordy but I'd read more
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need "more" in the first sentence, it makes it read kinda clunky.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd like to find out just how scary Grandma Crosby is.
I like the connection between fired and dead. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteAlmost hooked...but not yet. Can't quite pinpoint what doesn't work for me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteSorry - not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence didn't read smoothly for me- and the jump between dead and fired jarred.
I liked the contrast between dead and fired too, but I'd remove 'as she undoubtedly would' in the second sentence. I felt like it disrupted the rhythm and it means there's an awful lot of commas in the sentence.
ReplyDelete