Miss Snark's First Victim
Semi-hooked. I like the too cold to drink, and too cold for a swim. I'm wondering why she's in this?
Not hooked. I might read more, to see where it's leading. ㋡
Is she drowning? Is she dead? I'm curious...
Not hooked - seems a bit too forced, IMO.
Not hooked. I'd read a bit further, but I feel like I'd be impatiently wading through this bit to get to the part that mattered.
Hooked enough to read the first page or so and then decide. The main character's definitely in danger and I want to know why, but just from these two sentences, I can't tell if I'll love the book or not.
A little too much repetition for my taste. Not hooked.
Semi-hooked. No need to explain that the cold, not heat, burned her throat. Is she drinking the water? Or is just breathing hurt her throat?
Unsure. I think the 3rd 'cold' was one too many, plus the sentence repeats what we(readers) got from the first one.
Hooked. This is great. Great description of what cold does to your lungs.
not hooked. too much focus on the cold and nothing to really pique my interest or make me wonder.sorry
Not really hooked. "River was like ice" seems too obvious and generic. I'd drop "not from the heat" and just say "Her lungs burned from the cold." I did get the impression she was IN the water the first time I read it, but now I think she's on the riverbank freezing her booty off.
The redundancy is off-putting.
I agree with the yeas. The repetition establishes a rhythm and I believe that's often forgotten in the flash fiction approach to 'hooking' the reader.But I am curious and want to know more.
I didn't care for "not from heat"; I don't mind the repetition, but the use of "heat/but" throws it off. Not quite hooked yet, but I'd probably read a few more lines to see what was going on.
I'd give you more time to get me interested, but there's something about this that is somewhat off-putting.You've got three ways of telling me it's cold, and for that degree of repetition, I'd have hoped for a joke. I almost feel like it should read, "The river was freezing, too cold to drink, but not cold enough to kill her outright." Or maybe, "The river was like ice, too cold to drink and definitely too cold to swim in."
In 24 words, we have ice, cold, cold, not heat, and cold. Feels like I'm getting beat over the head with the cold and not getting the rest of the description.You could do so much more here and still get the cold point across, too.
I'm not sure if she's swimming or not. Maybe add "the river was like ice on her skin"
I prefer the second sentence as a starting point. My reaction to the first was more - Huh? Should I care about the river?
How about:Her lungs burned. The river was too cold for a swim. It was too cold to *drink*.[I'd hope our gal was swimming by this point.]