Thursday, March 25, 2010

86 Contemporary Romance/Women's Fiction

TITLE: The Vegas Affair
GENRE: Contemporary Romance/Women's Fiction


All Dani Parker wanted was to drink in peace, let the liquor numb her to the mistakes that drove her to escape to Vegas.

21 comments:

  1. Seconded.

    I like the set up here -- moral ambiguity about drinking to excess, mistakes and an 'escape' to Sin City

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  2. Not really hooked, but I think it's just a genre thing.

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  3. TO drink IN peace... TO the mistkes, THAT drove her TO escape TO Las Vegas. Got prepositons?
    Not hooked.

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  4. Not hooked. I found it cumbersome. Although I can see how it might lead to an adventurous story.

    Contemporary Romance is not Women's Fiction. Curious which this is.

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  5. The last part of the sentence is what holds me up - its a bit chunky.

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  6. sideways-hooked. I need more to bite on the bait.

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  7. Not hooked. Seems generic for the genre, to me.

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  8. I'd check a bit more out to see what kind of mistakes she made.

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  9. Hooked, although I'd play with it a bit to tighten. Perhaps make two sentences?

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  10. Drinking in / escaping to Vegas doesn't stand out in the genre, IMO.

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  11. I would continue reading but I'm not sure I'm 'hooked' I like it that she wants to 'drink in peace'. The second part of the sentence is a bit awkward: 'numb her to the mistakes that drove her'. If you're taking us right into a scene, I'd want to know why she's not able to drink in peace. If it's just exposition, maybe it's just easier to throw her into a scene unable to drink in peace.

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  12. not hooked. It seems so cliche. Drinking. Vegas. lonely woman.

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  13. title sounds fun ;) I think breaking up this long sentence into two, maybe three, would be more effective:

    "All Dani Parker wanted was to drink in peace."

    LOVE IT!! Introduces your MC well and sets the scene.

    I think reworking the remainder of the sentence would make your opening stronger than one long sentence:

    With the many mistakes that had driven her to Vegas, she couldn't wait to feel the numbness.

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  14. Sorry, I'm un-hooked.
    (...But this isn't a genre I'd be reading anyway, so take it with big fat mega-grains of salt!) ㋡

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  15. I'd read a few more sentences to see what her deal was. Not my genre though.

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  16. CR=one of the genres I adore (it's also one of the genres in which I write), so I stopped in for a look. And I love stories set in Vegas. All of that leads to me wanting to know more. I'm hooked but I feel your opening sentence is a little too wordy.

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  17. Not hooked, the sentence was awkward for me.

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  18. strongest part is:
    All Dani Parker wanted was to drink in peace.

    Then continue by showing us why that's not happening and why she wants it

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