I would continue reading but I'm not sure I'm 'hooked' I like it that she wants to 'drink in peace'. The second part of the sentence is a bit awkward: 'numb her to the mistakes that drove her'. If you're taking us right into a scene, I'd want to know why she's not able to drink in peace. If it's just exposition, maybe it's just easier to throw her into a scene unable to drink in peace.
CR=one of the genres I adore (it's also one of the genres in which I write), so I stopped in for a look. And I love stories set in Vegas. All of that leads to me wanting to know more. I'm hooked but I feel your opening sentence is a little too wordy.
I would continue reading!
ReplyDeleteSeconded.
ReplyDeleteI like the set up here -- moral ambiguity about drinking to excess, mistakes and an 'escape' to Sin City
Not really hooked, but I think it's just a genre thing.
ReplyDeleteTO drink IN peace... TO the mistkes, THAT drove her TO escape TO Las Vegas. Got prepositons?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Not hooked. I found it cumbersome. Although I can see how it might lead to an adventurous story.
ReplyDeleteContemporary Romance is not Women's Fiction. Curious which this is.
The last part of the sentence is what holds me up - its a bit chunky.
ReplyDeletesideways-hooked. I need more to bite on the bait.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Seems generic for the genre, to me.
ReplyDeleteI'd check a bit more out to see what kind of mistakes she made.
ReplyDeleteHooked, although I'd play with it a bit to tighten. Perhaps make two sentences?
ReplyDeleteDrinking in / escaping to Vegas doesn't stand out in the genre, IMO.
ReplyDeleteI would continue reading but I'm not sure I'm 'hooked' I like it that she wants to 'drink in peace'. The second part of the sentence is a bit awkward: 'numb her to the mistakes that drove her'. If you're taking us right into a scene, I'd want to know why she's not able to drink in peace. If it's just exposition, maybe it's just easier to throw her into a scene unable to drink in peace.
ReplyDeletenot hooked. It seems so cliche. Drinking. Vegas. lonely woman.
ReplyDeletetitle sounds fun ;) I think breaking up this long sentence into two, maybe three, would be more effective:
ReplyDelete"All Dani Parker wanted was to drink in peace."
LOVE IT!! Introduces your MC well and sets the scene.
I think reworking the remainder of the sentence would make your opening stronger than one long sentence:
With the many mistakes that had driven her to Vegas, she couldn't wait to feel the numbness.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'm un-hooked.
ReplyDelete(...But this isn't a genre I'd be reading anyway, so take it with big fat mega-grains of salt!) ㋡
I'd read a few more sentences to see what her deal was. Not my genre though.
ReplyDeleteCR=one of the genres I adore (it's also one of the genres in which I write), so I stopped in for a look. And I love stories set in Vegas. All of that leads to me wanting to know more. I'm hooked but I feel your opening sentence is a little too wordy.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, the sentence was awkward for me.
ReplyDeletestrongest part is:
ReplyDeleteAll Dani Parker wanted was to drink in peace.
Then continue by showing us why that's not happening and why she wants it