I'd keep reading, but what throws me off here is the combination of an acronym/abbreviation (F-15C), a descriptor in quotes ("Missile Launch"), and a quotation in all caps ("SAM LAUNCH, RIGHT FIVE O'CLOCK.")
This may seem like nitpicking, but it's a lot for my eyeballs to take in within the first sentence. :-)
I like how you open with tension right away, but I got tripped up by the verbiage "missile Launch" (also, why is it in quotes?) tone and the all caps for the dialogue. I think if you rework it, I'd be hooked.
The sentence was a difficult one to get through, tho the meaning is clear. My brain, however, wanted to go back and make sure I understood wingman, knew the difference between the F-15 and 16, got the Missile Launch tone and figured out the final phrase. This sounds like a book I might actually pick up and read if it hooked me so I'd really like to see you generalize this sentence.
Starting with action as in a real (or mock?) battle is tricky, because the reader has not had a chance yet to get to know the characters, and it's difficult to introduce a character in a fight. It could work if this is a plot-driven story.
Huh. Interesting comments. I work on missiles, so none of that bothered me. The all caps may not be necessary, but they did add a screaming element to it.
What I'm missing here is a certain crispness. It's one long sentence for the amount of tension. And it starts by telling us his day deteriorated and then starts showing it. You don't need both.
Missile launch tone kind of confused me...could you have been more descriptive?
ReplyDeletePartial hook -- not my genre, but I like the portended fast pacing.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, but what throws me off here is the combination of an acronym/abbreviation (F-15C), a descriptor in quotes ("Missile Launch"), and a quotation in all caps ("SAM LAUNCH, RIGHT FIVE O'CLOCK.")
ReplyDeleteThis may seem like nitpicking, but it's a lot for my eyeballs to take in within the first sentence. :-)
Not my thing. Bet my hubby would love this though!
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI like how you open with tension right away, but I got tripped up by the verbiage "missile Launch" (also, why is it in quotes?) tone and the all caps for the dialogue. I think if you rework it, I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry--it's a bit confusing with the "tone" and the all caps dialogue immediately puts me off as a reader.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence was a difficult one to get through, tho the meaning is clear. My brain, however, wanted to go back and make sure I understood wingman, knew the difference between the F-15 and 16, got the Missile Launch tone and figured out the final phrase. This sounds like a book I might actually pick up and read if it hooked me so I'd really like to see you generalize this sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really hooked. I probably would be more hooked if it hadn't taken me a few moments to decipher the more jargon-y aspects.
ReplyDeleteStarting with action as in a real (or mock?) battle is tricky, because the reader has not had a chance yet to get to know the characters, and it's difficult to introduce a character in a fight. It could work if this is a plot-driven story.
ReplyDeleteHuh. Interesting comments. I work on missiles, so none of that bothered me. The all caps may not be necessary, but they did add a screaming element to it.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm missing here is a certain crispness. It's one long sentence for the amount of tension. And it starts by telling us his day deteriorated and then starts showing it. You don't need both.
I might read on if I was in the mood for a thriller about fighter jets, but the opening doesn't say anything extraordinary to me.
ReplyDeleteFor a first sentence it was really dense - I needed to read it twice . And that would put me off right there.
ReplyDelete