In my very humble opinion, this if overwritten. "Ease the chill that lingered" just didn't work for me. And I'd cut down on the adjectives to describe the fire and the stove. Choose the one that's most important.
I like it! I think it gives a good sense of the character's voice here. I do agree that you could cut one of the adjectives about the fire though. Probably crackling, which to me inspires a warm happy feeling, something that does not match up with the rest of the sentence.
Not hooked, but I'd give it more room because I like the writing. Perhaps focus your first sentence on your MC rather than the fire. Say the same thing, but start with your character.
MC leans toward the rusted woodstove. The small crackling fire inside couldn'r ease . . . .
This winter, the chill is easy to relate to, but I can't imagine a YA reader jumping at this beginning. Perhaps a little conflict or threat of something greater than the cold.
Maybe. It's nice writing, but there's not a lot of new OH WOW stuff here.
ReplyDeleteCreates a nice scene. Would read a bit further to see if the action picks up.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. Nice details.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ Jodi, nice but doesn't grab me
ReplyDeleteIn my very humble opinion, this if overwritten. "Ease the chill that lingered" just didn't work for me. And I'd cut down on the adjectives to describe the fire and the stove. Choose the one that's most important.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like it! I think it gives a good sense of the character's voice here. I do agree that you could cut one of the adjectives about the fire though. Probably crackling, which to me inspires a warm happy feeling, something that does not match up with the rest of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteNice, but it makes me think the rest is going to be slow paced. I'd read further just to find out.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read more, but this could be stronger. Maybe add urgency somehow.
ReplyDeleteI might be hooked. I'd read a paragraph or two more before making my final decision.
ReplyDeleteI'd read at least the first page. Like the writing, would like a little more action.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteIt does create a cozy scene, although I would lose a few of the adjectives.
ReplyDeleteDitto Jodi. It's nicely written, but is it enough? I'm a maybe.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but I'd give it more room because I like the writing. Perhaps focus your first sentence on your MC rather than the fire. Say the same thing, but start with your character.
ReplyDeleteMC leans toward the rusted woodstove. The small crackling fire inside couldn'r ease . . . .
Hooked. Enough imagery to keep me going.
ReplyDeleteI like the description and the title. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThis winter, the chill is easy to relate to, but I can't imagine a YA reader jumping at this beginning. Perhaps a little conflict or threat of something greater than the cold.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading, I like the scene it sets.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot enough here to hook me. It's all description without anything that makes me curious about what's coming.
ReplyDelete