Thursday, March 25, 2010

162 Suspense

TITLE: Resilience
GENRE: Suspense


Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon inimitable. Denise Tyler preferred best friend and fiancé--until now.
The paper rattled as Denise pulled out the note.

11 comments:

  1. Not hooked -- 'inimitable' is an adjective. 'bf' and 'fiance' are nouns - this lack of parallel structure is one of my red buttons.

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  2. Liked this so far! Would keep reading!

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  3. The first two sentences confused me. I had to read them a couple of times.

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  4. 'inimitable' is a poor choice of word here..it doesn't tell me anything. Inimitable how?

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  5. (this won't post...trying again)

    I like "Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon ____." (I'd change inimitable). But the best friend and fiance feels like a cliche to me. I rolled my eyes, sorry to say.

    I'd probably replace best friend and fiance with "scum-sucking toad" or some other colorful insult, and then let it slip that she was engaged to him. Takes way more than 25 words, but that would hook me.

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  6. Not hooked. I also had to re-read it a couple of times. The note isn't enough suspense for me to read on.

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  7. Not hooked, sorry.

    "inimitable" threw me and I couldn't get past that to wonder why "until now".

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  8. Not hooked. The third sentence had no relationship to the first two and felt jarring.

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  9. I'm not hooked. There's potential here, but it's not pulling me along.

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