Death stalked the floor. A cold-a** chill and the patterned flicker of overhead fluorescents marked his approach, always did. Roger peered out his cubicle door.
Partially hooked. I'd read on to see if it grabbed me. The implication that the MC is familiar with Death's approach is the hook for me in this one. Do cubicles have doors?
This has a strong author voice, and I like the juxtaposition. Death stalking is a wee bit cliche, but I'd read a little more to see if the originality continues.
I'd read more. But perhaps cut the first sentence and change 'his' in the second sentence to 'Death's.' Because you have Death stalking the floor. He might stalk across the floor, but he wouldn't be stalking it, since the floor isn't going anywhere.
Sorry, I don't get it. How can death stalk a floor? A floor is dead. People on the floor, the workers on a certain floor of a building, yes. "Always did" would be a stronger standing-alone sentence.
Mmm, kind of.
ReplyDeleteJust nothing here for me.
ReplyDeleteDeath personified...again? Not so much for me.
ReplyDeleteHa! Love the humor and voice. Good title:)
ReplyDeletePartially hooked. I'd read on to see if it grabbed me. The implication that the MC is familiar with Death's approach is the hook for me in this one. Do cubicles have doors?
ReplyDeletemaybe change cubicle to office? Either way not really hooked
ReplyDeleteI like the cubicle part, but the rest was a bit ho-hum for me.
ReplyDeleteI'd be willing to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on a little more.
ReplyDeletelots of Death stories these days. Regardless, I'd keep reading this.
ReplyDeleteThis has a strong author voice, and I like the juxtaposition. Death stalking is a wee bit cliche, but I'd read a little more to see if the originality continues.
ReplyDeleteHeh, I'm nearly there. I'd read a couple pages more before deciding, because the idea of Death being someone's boss in an office intrigues me.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more. But perhaps cut the first sentence and change 'his' in the second sentence to 'Death's.' Because you have Death stalking the floor. He might stalk across the floor, but he wouldn't be stalking it, since the floor isn't going anywhere.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure if this is supposed to be funny or scary. Probably wouldn't keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd switch the last sentence to the first and delete the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I don't get it. How can death stalk a floor? A floor is dead. People on the floor, the workers on a certain floor of a building, yes. "Always did" would be a stronger standing-alone sentence.
ReplyDeleteSojourner,
ReplyDeleteStalk= intransitive verb. to walk in a stiff, haughty, or grim manner; to advance or spread grimly.
Not hooked, sorry.
ReplyDelete(I may be put off by all the openings with Death now. Poor dude is getting a workout. :P)
I like this. I'm not totally hooked, more like semi-hooked. I'd give it at least a page
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read on
ReplyDelete