Partial hook. I'd keep reading to find out where it went and what a Creep with a capital C was, but I don't get much sense of Ellie's character or voice from this.
I'd read on. I like the description of the most often used lesson. The only think I'd change is the first work. I don't like the contraction. Maybe: Elle had learned.
The funny thing is, when I started writing it, Father Value was supposed to be the main character, but Ellie seems to have taken over. That's pretty much just the placeholder title in my docs folder, since I'm terrible at titles.
I hear you all on the "Ellie'd" -- it's "Ellie had" in the original, but I was trying to shave off a word to make 25. Thinking about it, it might have worked better if I'd dropped the "this" in the second sentence instead.
Partial hook. I'd keep reading to find out where it went and what a Creep with a capital C was, but I don't get much sense of Ellie's character or voice from this.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked - name seems a bit too forced for me.
ReplyDeleteOoooooooh.....SO CLOSE!
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked by this opening. But I have a feeling this is leading somewhere I'd like. ㋡
Almost hooked...not quite.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested - but it's a little bit awkward.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled over the "one lesson from..." part. Situation appealed a bit but I'd condense the sentences to something like:
ReplyDeleteMc had learned one thing in her ?? life -- never get cornered by a Creep. ... or something similar. I
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI did not find this awkward. I liked the voice, and I really liked the punch at the end.
Pretty hooked. Not fond of the title.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I like the description of the most often used lesson. The only think I'd change is the first work. I don't like the contraction. Maybe: Elle had learned.
ReplyDeleteI got caught up on the first word. Maybe make it Ellie had rather than Ellie'd.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the title, and I wasn't liking it until, "never get cornered by a Creep." I'd keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked yet, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThankee, all!
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is, when I started writing it, Father Value was supposed to be the main character, but Ellie seems to have taken over. That's pretty much just the placeholder title in my docs folder, since I'm terrible at titles.
I hear you all on the "Ellie'd" -- it's "Ellie had" in the original, but I was trying to shave off a word to make 25. Thinking about it, it might have worked better if I'd dropped the "this" in the second sentence instead.
I really liked the final hook.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence might be stronger if it was tighter.
You could get rid of tutelage since it's implied by learned.