Thursday, March 25, 2010

143 Mainstream Suspense

TITLE: House of Cards
GENRE: Mainstream Suspense

The car was moving sixty-five miles per hour when it flipped. Metal crunched against metal, igniting sparks across the highway.


  1. Yes, hooked.

    "The car was going 65 MPH when it flipped." <- I'm wondering if this would be better? Or is there a rule about writing the speed and MPH out?

  2. I would read more, and hope they've got insurance....

  3. Hooked.

    Not enough to be utterly excited yet, but certainly the details and voice here make me anticipate good stuff to come.

  4. Has a flavor of omniescence about it.

    Sort of hooked but needs more flesh as in more sentences to know if it's a hooky hook or not.

  5. Abou hooked. Would give it a few more sentences to grab me.

  6. I don't know if we're "outting" but this one is mine.

    Thank you all. Glad you liked it. =)
    If you'd like the rest of the paragraph, here it is. =)

    Jesse squeezed her eyes shut and braced for the impact. Her body bucked against the backseat, the heavy strap of the seatbelt pinning her in place and cutting into her neck. The rear-window’s glass shattered against her skull as the car rolled into a shallow ravine. Jesse struggled with her seatbelt, fighting to unclasp the latch. The burning odor of gasoline stung her eyes.
    A shadow fell across the car. Someone stepped forward and crouched beside her door.
    “You should have left it alone,” the voice said.
    Even through her petrified fear she heard the unmistakable scrape of a match. The figure took a step back and tossed the tiny stick into the car.

  7. Almost, I think.

    The rest of the scene feels a bit... disconnected, though. I'm not sure why--I suppose I'm wondering how Jess is still coherent enough from the shock and impact to narrate well... it didn't quite feel intimate or real enough. Sorry, I can't quite pinpoint exactly what bothers me about this... :/

  8. Hah, understandable Merc. Without reading what happens next it's hard to connect to the story. But, it's just an opening paragraph.

  9. I felt the first sentence could use a bit of revising but good start. The car "was moving" is a bit passive.

  10. Haven't read the others' comments.
    This read as quite dispassionate to me.

    I'd probably give it a little more to see how it fits in with the rest of the story, but right now it lacks a certain urgency.