This seems like a very ordinary scene to me. Although I wonder if Gary is different from the other customers, I'm not hooked. This isn't a genre I would normally read, though.
I agree with Sandra. There needs to be something more. You say "he felt like just another customer" which makes me feel like he actually isn't -- if that's the case, you need to make that apparent sooner. The best opening lines tend to be provocative in some way. You could also color his actions/observations in some way to foreshadow events to come to hold readers' interest.
The second line leads me to believe he's not what the picture paints, so I'd give it a couple more lines to see if he's anything much more interesting.
Sorry, not hooked. Maybe the next sentence would be the one to do it. But so far there's no tension, no mystery, no reason to keep following n' see where this character's story leads. ㋡
There is nothing wrong with this. It sets a nice scene, but I can't say it "hooked" me.
However, I'm not a reader who needs a big hook. I happily read right on, but for those that don't (and agents) you might try putting the second sentence first. "felt just like another customer" piqued my interest. I start thinking- oh, what is he? The CEO? A prince? A vampire (who can still drink coffee)? A vampire prince? See- that hooked me.
I'm not 'hooked'. I like the 2nd line better than the 1st. Something about the specifics of 'Alpine Bakery' made me take pause. It made me feel like the name is something I have to store and remember for later. Do I? What's happening in the street? Even if it's nothing, that conveys a mood.
Not hooked. He may indeed be in an ordinary setting to start out, but I think you need something that gives us a hint of what's to come or voice of your main/POV character to have us sit a little while with Gary.
Like the title, but I'm not 100% hooked. It threw me that it's Women's Fiction opening with a guy's viewpoint. Though I do wonder why he only felt like just another customer. Maybe if it went something like this:
"If it weren't for [whyever he's different], he would feel like just another customer sipping his coffee."
Thank you all for your comments. Actually, this was a prologue, but since most editors don't like them in fiction, I made it Chapter 1. This chapter sets up a kidnapping of my female MC and that is where her story begins. I guess I will rethink this whole beginning.
Watching generic street activity is too vague for me to care about this character. I might have a reason to be hooked if you make the view more specific.
This seems like a very ordinary scene to me. Although I wonder if Gary is different from the other customers, I'm not hooked. This isn't a genre I would normally read, though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sandra. There needs to be something more. You say "he felt like just another customer" which makes me feel like he actually isn't -- if that's the case, you need to make that apparent sooner. The best opening lines tend to be provocative in some way. You could also color his actions/observations in some way to foreshadow events to come to hold readers' interest.
ReplyDeleteHmm, if it weren't for the very words "felt like", I wouldn't be hooked.
ReplyDeleteBut a women's fiction opening with a man intrigues me a little more. I'd want to read on.
Not really hooked. Not enough unique and surprising going on here.
ReplyDeleteNothing here to catch my interest.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeletePerhaps if you show us the street activity from Gary's perspective it would create more of a draw.
its very 'ho-hum'. not hooked. sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe second line leads me to believe he's not what the picture paints, so I'd give it a couple more lines to see if he's anything much more interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised at a women's fiction novel starting with a man's viewpoint. Doesn't hook me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe tension is a little too subtle for me here. I might have missed the "felt like." Not hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteHe feels like just a regular guy sipping coffee to me too. Since I don't care about him / he doesn't interest me, I'm not going to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. Maybe the next sentence would be the one to do it. But so far there's no tension, no mystery, no reason to keep following n' see where this character's story leads. ㋡
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. He seems an ordinary guy, doing an ordinary thing.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with this. It sets a nice scene, but I can't say it "hooked" me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm not a reader who needs a big hook. I happily read right on, but for those that don't (and agents) you might try putting the second sentence first.
"felt just like another customer" piqued my interest. I start thinking- oh, what is he? The CEO? A prince? A vampire (who can still drink coffee)? A vampire prince? See- that hooked me.
I'm not 'hooked'. I like the 2nd line better than the 1st. Something about the specifics of 'Alpine Bakery' made me take pause. It made me feel like the name is something I have to store and remember for later. Do I? What's happening in the street? Even if it's nothing, that conveys a mood.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. As everyone else has said, it's pretty ordinary.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. He may indeed be in an ordinary setting to start out, but I think you need something that gives us a hint of what's to come or voice of your main/POV character to have us sit a little while with Gary.
ReplyDeleteLike the title, but I'm not 100% hooked. It threw me that it's Women's Fiction opening with a guy's viewpoint. Though I do wonder why he only felt like just another customer. Maybe if it went something like this:
ReplyDelete"If it weren't for [whyever he's different], he would feel like just another customer sipping his coffee."
I agree with most comments. I'm not hooked. Confusing it's women's fictioning, beginning with a male POV. Ordinary scene.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. Actually, this was a prologue, but since most editors don't like them in fiction, I made it Chapter 1. This chapter sets up a kidnapping of my female MC and that is where her story begins. I guess I will rethink this whole beginning.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments.
Junebug
Not hooked. Need more drama and detail. He's "watching the street activity". What, in particular, has caught his eye?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteWatching generic street activity is too vague for me to care about this character. I might have a reason to be hooked if you make the view more specific.
ReplyDelete