Miss Snark's First Victim
Something about this doesn't click for me. I feel like I've read it before. However, it's picked up my curiosity enough that I would read on. ;)
I'm intrigued by the Source's Order and would want to learn more about it. The second sentence seems awkward to me; I think it could be easy to confuse what Alphas expects to happen with what actually does come out. I'd probably read on a little further, but if I encountered more confusing sentences, I'd probably stop.
Yeah, I'd have to agree that I'm not quite sure what's going to happen. Obv his powers have waned for some reason, I would like to know why, but you can punch up the opening lines as well, to clear up some of the issues Sandra mentions and give us a better understanding of why the source's order is being called forth in the first place.
I'm a little confused here too, had to read it more than once to figure out what was going on. I'm also curious though, especially about whatever The Source's Order is. I'd probably give this one another few sentences.
Nice writing, but it doesn't hook me.
Yeah, I'm not sure what's happening either. Needs more grounding, maybe.
Because Alshas' name ends in 's', we start out thinking its a plural. And I don't immedicatly think of words leaping, so that's difficult.Rewrite.
This... didn't hook me. The image of Something (even a proper name something) leaping out of Alpha's mouth seemed...odd, to put it mildly.
not hooked, just confused
i also am confused. is "Source's Order" and actual physical thing that can leap out of his mouth (like a little bird?) or do you mean an order from the Source. Too confused to read on.
Not hooked. Since "Alpha" is used in so much werewolf fiction these days, having it be someone's name threw me, and having someone expect things to leap out of their mouth was a little bizarre, but in a disorienting way rather than an intriguing one.
Hooked. I stumbled over the name, too, but that seems like a fantasy convention to me (unpronounceable names). But if it gives a lot of readers trouble, I'd seriously consider renaming him.
Not hooked. When I first read it, I thought Alphas was the name of group / organization or something.
something felt off, and after reading WydyDay's comment I know what. The entire opener reminds me of that show called Charm. Where black erupts from the source's mouth.I doubt you thought of this when writing it, but I ould def reconsider this opener.
Almost hooked. The end of the last sentence is a little awkward, but I'd read on a little longer to see how Alpha reacts.
I think I'd read on. What's with the name? When I see "Alphas", I think of leaders of a pack (like werewolves).
The only thing I connected with was the fact that the protagonist lost some ability. This is not enough to hook me.
Semi hooked. I agree that Alphas is too close to alpha. Curious about what the Source's Order is, but feel the opening could be worded better to clear up what did happen and what usually happens. You may clear it up in the next sentence though, so I'd probably read at least a bit further.
Huh. Almost hooked. I wonder if it could be smoother, but I'm intrigued enough I would read more.
Not hooked. Confused, but not hooked.
Leaping jarred, but I liked the rest of it