The dialogue is a catch, but the sentence that follows it has too much "telling" - the PhD, the cubicle dimensions, "on-call forensic nursing examiner" - lots of long words here that make it hard to get interested.
I love forensic novels but I'm not hooked by this one. I agree with the others that there is too much information dump right up front. Also, the title tripped me up because isn't all murder cruel?
This is usually right up my alley but I don't really like starting with dialogue -- it seems so abrupt. Also, I have a bias against the name Jewel. Too much description of her job title in the first sentence.
I could be hooked, but the sentence confused me too much. The subject of the sentence is too long, like you're trying to jam a lot of info in there up front. To clarify, it should be set apart by commas on both ends, at the very least.
I don't think you need to include the PhD or nurse part...it feels like your trying to get as much info in as you can, rather than let the reader get a feel for the character (emotion or scene, something more personal to connect to). The info can come a bit later in the opening, in my opinion.
Not hooked -- the dialogue opening combined with the long title stopped me in my tracks.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I think I'd like the premise of the book (love forensic mysteries) and think I'd like Jewel too, but the opening doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with Bane—the job title's probably a bit long for an intro and you could probably drop the PhD as well.
The dialogue is a catch, but the sentence that follows it has too much "telling" - the PhD, the cubicle dimensions, "on-call forensic nursing examiner" - lots of long words here that make it hard to get interested.
ReplyDeleteagreed, if it went straight from Connor to lost without the stuff in between, it might catch my interest
ReplyDeletePhD - maybe it's different in the US, but in the UK you'd never use it like this. What everyone says...too much information..
ReplyDeleteI actually like this. You jump right into the action. I'd leave off the PhD part though
ReplyDeleteNot really feeling this. Feels like a total information dump. Cut some of that out and get me to who is waiting and why.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, and for the same reason as others have said - too much information packed in too soon.
ReplyDeleteI don't think so. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI love forensic novels but I'm not hooked by this one. I agree with the others that there is too much information dump right up front. Also, the title tripped me up because isn't all murder cruel?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. The sentence lost me after her name with too much information (and it's not even finished).
ReplyDeleteThis is usually right up my alley but I don't really like starting with dialogue -- it seems so abrupt. Also, I have a bias against the name Jewel. Too much description of her job title in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. Drop the job title and PhD part. All sense of urgency is lost by the time we get through these.
ReplyDeleteI could be hooked, but the sentence confused me too much. The subject of the sentence is too long, like you're trying to jam a lot of info in there up front. To clarify, it should be set apart by commas on both ends, at the very least.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to include the PhD or nurse part...it feels like your trying to get as much info in as you can, rather than let the reader get a feel for the character (emotion or scene, something more personal to connect to). The info can come a bit later in the opening, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteHoly info dump, Batman!
ReplyDeleteToo much, too soon.