Thursday, March 25, 2010

60 Fantasy

TITLE: The Wolves
GENRE: Fantasy.


He observed the “thing” which roared and hissed few kilometers away. It was the biggest hurricane of human history, a Titan in modern times.

18 comments:

  1. Why is "thing" in scare quotes? Now I'm not convinced it actually is a hurricane, but an angry kitten. It's roaring and hissing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "thing" in quotes, hissing that you can hear kilometers away? Sorry, not hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not really getting this one. The scare quotes, plus a hurricane doesn't really hiss and roar when it's kilometers away (when a hurricane is far away, it just looks like banded storm clouds). Unless you mean the eye of the hurricane, in which case, it's hissing and roaring on top of your head right now. Makes me question the situation too much.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I get the quotes mean the hurricane is unnatural or abnormal, but that he's merely observing it takes away from the urgency and drama.

    Not hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  5. A bit too abstract, ambiguous, IMO.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree, don't quotation thing. It just doesn't grab me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Not hooked. MC "observes" and the rest is description of a hurricane which doesn't match with any mental image I have of a hurricane (or how a character observing one would act).

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can sort of see where you're trying to go with this, but I am just not hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm not hooked—yet. I like the second sentence best so far. I wonder if you could start there and find a clever way to insert your character into the next sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm nearly hooked. I think this might work better if you flipped the sentences around and reworked them. Put the hurricane first, with the roaring, and then give the observer second.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Not hooked. The second sentence is strong. The first, not so much. If the "thing" isn't the hurricane itself, but something within the storm, describe it. If it is the hurricane, then I think you can get rid of your first sentence and start with the second.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sorry, I'm not hooked.
    Having "thing" in quotes immediately took me out of the story. ㋡

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nope, sorry. "Thing"? In a first sentence?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Not hooked. Thing in quotes didn't bother me. It's easy enough to take the quotes out. But if it the biggest hurricane in human history, a titan in modern times, I want to see it. Don't tell me. Show me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not hooked. Confused about why thing is in quotes. Is it not really a thing? Missing an 'a' in front of few kilometers. I do like the second line, but it doesn't match the roaring and hissing of the first sentence, so I'm not grounded. Does he have a name?

    ReplyDelete
  16. This doesn't really hook me, sorry.

    ReplyDelete