Having just re-watched Monty Python & The Holy Grail, I found myself smiling and reading the first line with a British accent. Then the second line pulled me right into Angel Park and hooked me.
I liked this and I like harmlessly. The sentence would mean something different without it. I say think about which way serves the STORY best and go with that. Good luck!
I like - though I might cut the 'harmlessly'
ReplyDeleteWow, definitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteHook!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Nicely done. I like the image of them on a park bench. Nice tension.
ReplyDeleteI like the first line. That would be a fascinating thing to see on an old park bench.
ReplyDeleteThe second line - I'd probably nix 'harmlessly' and change the flow slightly.
"Somebody had scrawled the three words on the bench at Angel Park years ago."
"Harmlessly" tripped me up. I see what you're getting at -- how prosaic and normal the bench is -- but I'm not sure this word works.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Agree with nixing the 'harmlessly'
ReplyDeleteI like it. It makes me think of Monty Python, but that's good. I didn't mind harmlessly- it added to the comic sort of image I had, a lighter mood.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteHaving just re-watched Monty Python & The Holy Grail, I found myself smiling and reading the first line with a British accent. Then the second line pulled me right into Angel Park and hooked me.
ReplyDeleteLike it! Would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI love this! Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteI believe I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, harmlessly is not really helping for me. Another word or just deleting it will be better, methinks.
I agree in this anti-adverb environment, harmlessly would be the kiss of death. And I agree that it doesn't add anything.
ReplyDeleteYou raise good questions. Does the narrator/protagonist know who wrote it? Who wrote it? Why? Good beginning.
Good hook, but the 'harmlessly' threw me. Would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love it!
ReplyDeleteI liked this and I like harmlessly. The sentence would mean something different without it. I say think about which way serves the STORY best and go with that. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHooked. :)
ReplyDeleteIntrigued
ReplyDeleteI'm interested, but not hooked.
ReplyDelete