Miss Snark's First Victim
I like - though I might cut the 'harmlessly'
Wow, definitely hooked!
Hooked! Nicely done. I like the image of them on a park bench. Nice tension.
I like the first line. That would be a fascinating thing to see on an old park bench. The second line - I'd probably nix 'harmlessly' and change the flow slightly."Somebody had scrawled the three words on the bench at Angel Park years ago."
"Harmlessly" tripped me up. I see what you're getting at -- how prosaic and normal the bench is -- but I'm not sure this word works.
Hooked. Agree with nixing the 'harmlessly'
I like it. It makes me think of Monty Python, but that's good. I didn't mind harmlessly- it added to the comic sort of image I had, a lighter mood.
Having just re-watched Monty Python & The Holy Grail, I found myself smiling and reading the first line with a British accent. Then the second line pulled me right into Angel Park and hooked me.
Like it! Would definitely read more.
I love this! Definitely hooked.
I believe I'm hooked.
Hooked.But yeah, harmlessly is not really helping for me. Another word or just deleting it will be better, methinks.
I agree in this anti-adverb environment, harmlessly would be the kiss of death. And I agree that it doesn't add anything.You raise good questions. Does the narrator/protagonist know who wrote it? Who wrote it? Why? Good beginning.
Good hook, but the 'harmlessly' threw me. Would keep reading.
I love it!
I liked this and I like harmlessly. The sentence would mean something different without it. I say think about which way serves the STORY best and go with that. Good luck!
I'm interested, but not hooked.