Thursday, March 25, 2010

134 Women's Fiction

TITLE: I'LL LOVE YOU UNTIL
GENRE: Women's Fiction



I am fine, I told myself. I am physically fine. My car, however, was not. I poked the phone’s screen with my finger.

12 comments:

  1. Hmmmm. Not really hooked. I think it would catch me more if it started with the car being smashed - then get around to the [presumed] occupant.

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  2. I'm sorry... I'm not hooked yet.

    This is likely a complication because of the 25 word limit. You can only show so much. However, I think I would have liked to see signs of how her car was not physically fine. Put the reader in the car with the protagonist. :)

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  3. Interested, but not completely hooked. Maybe cut "with my finger?"

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  4. In first person you don't have to say "I told myself" as it's implied simply because it's first person and the narrator is talking and there's no dialog. Make sense? I also think you might have some tense issues going on, but that's not my forte.

    I was fine. I was physically fine. My car, however, was not.

    The title and first 25 lead me to think this is a sad love story. If so, it wouldn't be my thing until it was a movie! ;)

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  5. I was fine. I was physically fine. Seemed redundant to me. More interested in whats wrong with the car. Was it a crash, or did someone smash the car while it was parked and she's just discovering it?

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  6. Fairly Hooked! I'd continue reading.

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  7. The lack of contractions threw me a bit, even if she's telling herself that very slowly and deliberately to stay calm.

    Not quite hooked though, sorry.

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  8. Loose the second sentence maybe...? I think it would be stronger without it. Add "Physically" to the first sentence so it reads...

    Physically am fine, I told myself. My car, however, was not. I poked the phone’s screen with my finger.

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  9. Almost but not quite there for me.

    It feels like there is a disconnect between the car and the phone.

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