TITLE: Cannibal Island GENRE: MG steampunk adventure
The Conquistadors never found the Treasure. Before the Spaniards arrived, the Incas had built a massive pyramid on a fog-shrouded island off the coast.
I love the title. I'm not hooked—yet—by the story, because I don't feel a connection with a character or a conflict. Maybe this is your second paragraph, and you write a new first? This has the flavor of a story I'd be interested in ...
COOL TITLE!!!! Hooked by the first sentence. But the second sentence weakened it with too much information all at once. The massive pyramid n' the fog-shrouded island are cool unto themselves. Give 'em more room to BREATHE. ㋡
Not hooked. Sounds like I'd be in for a history lesson before it got juicy enough to live up to the title (though I'm curious about this Treasure-with-a-capital-T). The two sentences don't seem connected yet, either. Hard to build my interest with setting and history rather than character and conflict.
I am partially hooked, but could break the line anytime. I do like the idea of a secret fog-shrouded island, kinda like King Kong's Skull Island. I'd read on. Someday I shall look up what "Steampunk" means.
I'm interested solely on potential. Spanish Steampunk is a VERY promising premise. It's enough for me to read further than the first 25 words for sure.
Definitely hooked, and I'm not even sure what steampunk is.
I disagree with others about the second paragraph. Obviously the Treasure is inside the pyramid, and someone is going to come looking for it. I don't have a problem with the way it's written.
Not quite sold on cannibals. But then I'm pretty darn sensitive to cultural insensitivity... I'd love to see a Spanish steampunk MG adventure done well, but that title makes me think we're gonna have something a bit insulting to actual Incas. So...I'd be happier with a beginning that involved an actual character, instead of a colonial history lesson.
I'd keep reading. Treasure: good. Incas, islands, pyramids, possible cannibals: good. I think sometimes in these critiques, we're heavily critical and I think we lose sight of what MGers' like.
To me this is convoluted, doesn't say anything, and reads like a two sentence history lesson. Of course as a colleague who had to chose the same 25 words it is very difficult. Maybe stick with the statement about the conquistadores. Drop the second sentence. And jump more punchy into the essence of the plot and the GMC.
Feels like too much information to give me in the first two sentences. I'd like to be grounded a bit more in the story first, before I get these details. Agree that it reads a little like a history lesson thus far. I'd probably keep reading but would have glossed over these sentences to get to the action.
Thanks for the comments. I guess never realized that cannibals were so much more offensive than vampires or werewolves. And the snippet does not state that the cannibals were Incan, only that the Treasure was. As one suggested, I could jump to something more character oriented, but then it wouldn't be the first 25 words, would it? This "history lesson" is merely setting the stage for where the Treasure is located. Thanks for all the positive comments.
I love the title. I'm not hooked—yet—by the story, because I don't feel a connection with a character or a conflict. Maybe this is your second paragraph, and you write a new first? This has the flavor of a story I'd be interested in ...
ReplyDeleteLove the topic, but the opening's a bit dry for me. I'd keep going, though, based on title and topic.
ReplyDeleteCOOL TITLE!!!! Hooked by the first sentence. But the second sentence weakened it with too much information all at once. The massive pyramid n' the fog-shrouded island are cool unto themselves. Give 'em more room to BREATHE. ㋡
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sounds like I'd be in for a history lesson before it got juicy enough to live up to the title (though I'm curious about this Treasure-with-a-capital-T). The two sentences don't seem connected yet, either. Hard to build my interest with setting and history rather than character and conflict.
ReplyDeleteI am partially hooked, but could break the line anytime. I do like the idea of a secret fog-shrouded island, kinda like King Kong's Skull Island. I'd read on. Someday I shall look up what "Steampunk" means.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's a good idea to open with backstory. But I am intrigued by the set-up and the title, so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested solely on potential. Spanish Steampunk is a VERY promising premise. It's enough for me to read further than the first 25 words for sure.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked, and I'm not even sure what steampunk is.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with others about the second paragraph. Obviously the Treasure is inside the pyramid, and someone is going to come looking for it. I don't have a problem with the way it's written.
Can I read more?
Not quite sold on cannibals. But then I'm pretty darn sensitive to cultural insensitivity... I'd love to see a Spanish steampunk MG adventure done well, but that title makes me think we're gonna have something a bit insulting to actual Incas. So...I'd be happier with a beginning that involved an actual character, instead of a colonial history lesson.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. Treasure: good. Incas, islands, pyramids, possible cannibals: good. I think sometimes in these critiques, we're heavily critical and I think we lose sight of what MGers' like.
ReplyDeleteTo me this is convoluted, doesn't say anything, and reads like a two sentence history lesson.
ReplyDeleteOf course as a colleague who had to chose the same 25 words it is very difficult.
Maybe stick with the statement about the conquistadores. Drop the second sentence. And jump more punchy into the essence of the plot and the GMC.
Feels like too much information to give me in the first two sentences. I'd like to be grounded a bit more in the story first, before I get these details. Agree that it reads a little like a history lesson thus far. I'd probably keep reading but would have glossed over these sentences to get to the action.
ReplyDeleteMostly not hooked, but I like the ideas. I'd read to see where it went.
ReplyDeleteThe sentences don't hook me, but I'm a sucker for steampunk. I'd read on a little further to see where you were going with it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. I guess never realized that cannibals were so much more offensive than vampires or werewolves. And the snippet does not state that the cannibals were Incan, only that the Treasure was. As one suggested, I could jump to something more character oriented, but then it wouldn't be the first 25 words, would it? This "history lesson" is merely setting the stage for where the Treasure is located. Thanks for all the positive comments.
ReplyDeleteI like the genre, but I'm not hooked. This feels too much like a history lesson/set up.
ReplyDelete