Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked -- 'inimitable' is an adjective. 'bf' and 'fiance' are nouns - this lack of parallel structure is one of my red buttons.
Liked this so far! Would keep reading!
The first two sentences confused me. I had to read them a couple of times.
I'd read on. Nice set up.
'inimitable' is a poor choice of word here..it doesn't tell me anything. Inimitable how?
(this won't post...trying again)I like "Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon ____." (I'd change inimitable). But the best friend and fiance feels like a cliche to me. I rolled my eyes, sorry to say. I'd probably replace best friend and fiance with "scum-sucking toad" or some other colorful insult, and then let it slip that she was engaged to him. Takes way more than 25 words, but that would hook me.
Not hooked. I also had to re-read it a couple of times. The note isn't enough suspense for me to read on.
Not hooked, sorry."inimitable" threw me and I couldn't get past that to wonder why "until now".
Not hooked. The third sentence had no relationship to the first two and felt jarring.
I'm not hooked. There's potential here, but it's not pulling me along.