TITLE: THE BOOK OF GENERATIONS
GENRE: Fantasy
She gasped. There was a roaring in her ears and the darkness opened up for the first time. Light and noise, blinding and crushing. The air in her lungs was suffocating.
“Eve?”
The darkness washed out everything again, just for a moment, and then she was looking into hard grey eyes. She touched her face, then stopped and stared at her fingers. Her hand. Her arm.
“Eve?” Another hand pushed her arm away. “Can you hear me?”
She looked back at the eyes. The face. The moving lips. The words washed out the other sounds. She swallowed. It was dark again. She heard another noise and realized she was making it.
“Don’t be afraid, Eve. You’ll understand in time.”
Arms slipped beneath her and she felt herself cradled against something warm, something strong, lifting her up. Everything began to move around her. She let the darkness take it all again, overwhelmed by the brightness and the colors.
“There’s a storm coming,” the other spoke while carrying her, and she tried to concentrate on the voice. There was so much noise. And underneath the warmth a steady beating that echoed inside her body. “Without God to protect us, we’ll need to shelter in the caves.”
It was cold again where she was set down, and she opened her eyes. The arms slipped back out from under her. Cave, she thought, shaping the word in her mind around the stone and the dirt that swallowed her. She curled up on the ground.
While I'm confused as to whether Eve is a child or not, the entire scene fills in a storyline for me that leaves little to the imagination.
ReplyDeleteNot saying it's a bad thing. A single line can paint an entire scene before you even get into it.
On the other hand, although this is a variation of the cliche waking up from a dream, at least you completely put it into the character's POV and follow through with that.
Very much reminds me of the scene from the Matrix ("Why do my eyes hurt?").
I'm intrigued by this...There are 2 lines though that made it seem stilted and confused...
ReplyDelete"She heard another noise and realized she was making it." To that I ask making what?...I think a stronger word choice could convey some clarification....
And "the other spoke while carrying her"...is this the person carrying her and if so how can it be the other???
Fave line is "Cave, she thought, shaping the word in her mind around the stone and the dirt that swallowed her." I like the imagery here. Good Luck!!
Good visual pictures, but gets a little confusing with all the dark and light. Not sure what is going on here...is she waking up from sleep? Was she hurt and unconscious? I'd read on because you've set a good scene. I don't like the tag "other." Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThere are too many things that don't make sense here. How does darkness open up? If there is air in your lungs, you are not suffocating. If it's dark, how does she see the color of the eyes? How can the darkness have brightness and color? Why are the arms slipping out after she is set down? This should happen at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI have no problems with the idea of this opening, but I really think it needs some work in execution. Readers don't like to be confused before they are one page into a book.
I'm afraid I didn't get what was going on here, except that perhaps she was just waking from unconciousness, and that's a guess. I thought perhaps it was a take on the Bible stories. Her name is Eve, they don't have God to protect them - perhaps she's waking after she and Adam were just cast out of the Garden of Eden - which would be an interesting premise, but this was simply too vague and unclear for me to know one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest letting us know where and when we are right away. As is, I wouldn't read more because I don't know what I'm getting.
I really liked this piece. I get that something's happened to her and others are trying to help her. Or maybe not. But I'd keep reading to find out. IMHO, setting an intriguing scene, one that will keep the reader engaged, is more important than telling us the five W's in the first sentence. Good work.
ReplyDeleteThe start was too disorienting. It may reflect how confused Eve was, but this is frustrating to the reader. When Eve "touched her face," is she touching her own face, or is the person speaking to her female?
ReplyDeleteIf this is Adam, we only realize it when God is mentioned, which is too far along in this beginning. If this person is not Adam, the mention of God confuses us.
Mark in the Seattle area
I agree that I was confused and the transition from the dark to the light, back to dark again. I think you were effective in portraying how Eve felt, but it made me, the reader feel the same way, which wasn't effective for me.
ReplyDeleteVagueness in what/why doesn't get me to read on.
ReplyDeleteI am not quite sure what I'm supposed to picture here. Need a little more clarification as to who Eve is, age, etc...
ReplyDeleteA few passive passages, I'd try to get rid of the was/had type and just use the straight active verb.
I did however enjoy this tidbit:
Cave, she thought, shaping the word in her mind around the stone and the dirt that swallowed her.
The first lines of this are the most confusing, like the author is trying too hard to make the writing sound literary. But it does get better.
ReplyDeleteEven so, this feels like a prologue, and I may be biased, but I generally don't love prologues. It comes off as a passive way to introduce back story masked with seemingly active narrative and dialog. That doesn't go just for this sample though! But most fall into this trap. "She" or Eve...we barely get to connect with her because she's feel nothing but confusion and seeing nothing but darkness, she's not even reacting to the dialog. I would much rather get to know the protagonist a little better first.
It's intriguing, but it read better on the second try than the first. The first time I was distracted by all the disembodied body parts ("hard grey eyes" ... "She looked back at the eyes. The face. The moving lips."
ReplyDeleteEyes, face, lips, words ... she's observing someone else here, but we don't know if that person is male, female, young or old.
I know she's supposed to be just coming to, but it's raising the wrong sorts of questions for me. Is it necessary?
The narration is a lot better starting with "Don't be afraid, Eve."
On a quick read can I just point out a couple of little things as advice on editing.
ReplyDeleteThere was... always if you can find an alternative way of using this.
There was a dark lamp in the corner.
You can rewrite that as - a dark lamp in the corner (did something such as dim light, or created odd shadows.)
And if you can rewrite It was cold again... again avoiding this could help you eliminate any danger of getting near to tell not show. You need to show more immediacy... and usually there is a way to avoid that kind of bare statement which is really what tell means.
She shivered. The chill was unbearable and her thin dress was inadequate.