TITLE: Treandle
GENR:E YA Fantasy
If her parents found out she was up in a tree, they would send her to work in the barn for sure. It was awful working there. Heat increased the noxious smell of manure and sweaty animals. Not like working in the fields where the breeze kept the sun’s rays at bay while the smell of wheat and trees mixed with the nearby river creating an intoxicating aroma.
Scooting over to avoid the knots of the huge branch she was perched on, Cyrilla watched golden rays of light drifting through the canopy of oak trees lining the dirt road.
Frustration bubbled at her limited view, but she could still visualize his face. Six suns ago, she’d walked along the road, listening to the leaves dance on the wind. The sound of hooves pounding the dirt had interrupted her peace, and she’d rushed for cover behind a tree trunk.
She hated meeting new people, what if they saw right through her? Discovered her secret?
He’d been going at a fast gallop, the wind blowing his short brown hair back as he faced towards her. When he’d slowed to a gentle gait, she feared he’d seen her. He even looked her way, revealing his strong jaw covered in a stubble of hair. His high cheek bones and small nose made Cyrilla’s heart patter.
Then he continued on down the path, and even though her heart returned to normal, his face would not leave her mind at peace.
Every sun since then, she’d climbed the tree, waiting to see if he’d race by again.
I enjoyed this.
ReplyDeleteThe line "It was awful working there." may not need to be there. You get the same feeling with the following sentences, without telling you explicitly.
This section makes me wonder about her secret, which is good, and who this dreamy guy is.
Your main character seems like a fascinating introvert! And alluding to her secret made me want to read on and find out what she was hiding. I enjoyed this!
ReplyDeleteI'm also interested about her secret. I would definitely keep reading to find out what happens when she sees the mysterious guy again.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown off right at first...I didn't think working in the barn would be a punishment for a girl who likes to climb trees...more like she'd have to come in and practice violin or do school work or something contrary to her nature. But then it all made sense by the end.
ReplyDeleteThe description of the mysterious man was too wordy...the action was starting to get bogged down.
But I'd keep reading! Good job
I didn't like the "intoxicating aroma" but I loved everything else leading up to it. I think it's just kind of a weak descriptor, there. I might just leave it with "the smell of wheat and trees mixing with the nearby river." Because it paints a beautiful image of scent and peacefulness as is.
ReplyDeleteI loved that she was up in a tree, worried about being caught.
I'm definitely curious about her secret, and about the rider. Things started to get a little bit mired for me with "He even looked her way," in the paragraph about the rider. I think you could just describe him without needing him to look anywhere, since it's kind of implied by her thinking he saw her. I would keep reading!
I didn't think the first few sentences made sense when I read them. If her parents found her in the tree, they'd put her to work in the barn. Then it's implied she doesn't like to work in the barn. So why climb the tree? If she stays out of the tree, she won't have to work in the barn.
ReplyDeleteBut as we learn a bit later, she's not in the tree to avoid work, she's there hoping to see the strange rider. It might work better to simply have her in the tree waiting to see him, and cut all the references about work in the barn and work in the fields. It distracts from the main idea.
The secret doesn't intrigue me. But if I knew her secret, and knew it was dangerous to tell, or what was at stake for her if it became known, that *would* intrigue me and pull me in. What's missing in this piece for me is that there's nothing at stake. There's no conflict or tension. Maybe find a way to include at least one of those things.
A little over-written for my taste. Tone down the setting descriptions just a tad. The description of the rider is straight out of a category romance novel. He's good looking and I think you can convey this without making him such a caricature. I am interested to know her secret and I like the idea of her seeing someone who she can't get out of her head. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFound it overwritten.
ReplyDeleteScooting on a tree branch? Ouch!
"Frustration bubbled at her limited view..." huh?
Too much tell.
I loved this and would definitely read on. Maybe add something a little different to the description of the rider though. He seems too ordinary to me. You could add something unique here.
ReplyDeleteI loved the description of the tree branch.
I think I've read this one before, and if so the revisions make it more "hooky."
ReplyDeleteI find this all a little difficult myeslf, introducing what's at stake in the first 250 words. I am intrigued she has a secret. Maybe if there was a little hint as to what it was up front.
I actually like her voice in the first two paragraphs better than the following ones when she's describing her feelings and response to "him." This felt kind of passive and over-dramatic to me, and didn't fit the livelier voice of the beginning. And so much, too much, is introduced here in a way that feels forced. Her family, where they live, her crush, that she has a secret...none of these points are focused on for anything more than a few sentences and because of this I'm not sure I care about any of it. I would rather see the author build up something to help the reader make a connection.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph didn't work for me. "Heat increased the noxious smell of manure and sweaty animals" felt awfully formal and scientific.
ReplyDeleteAnd in two other places
- "where the breeze kept the sun’s rays at bay while the smell of wheat and trees mixed with the nearby river creating an intoxicating aroma"
- "his strong jaw covered in a stubble of hair. His high cheek bones and small nose"
... it's just too dense.
On a quick skim, I thought your character came through well. and you establish my belief that I could easily persist in going further than 250 words.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with a few of the others. Some parts of this were a bit overwritten. I do this myself. My crit partner is always telling me to dial it down. Less will sometimes make a stronger impact.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling like your hook is her secret...but it gets lost between the tree and the guy. These are easy fixes. Tighten this up and make her secret the more prevalent focus and it'll be great :)