TITLE: The Gatekeepers
GENRE: Urban fantasy
Megan Dupree was a lot of things. Unnoticeable wasn’t one of them.
“Beeee-na, where are we going for lunch?” she called in her silky, singsong voice from across the room.
Every male in the room and one female, I noted—looked up. I sighed. From my station four windows down, I could see the buttons of her short black skirt and matching blouse screaming in protest against the pulling material as she sauntered towards me. Halfway across the room she stopped, dropping her pencil in front of Hank’s desk.
“Oopsie,” she crooned.
I cringed, knowing exactly how big an eyeful poor Hank got when she bent over in slow motion to retrieve the pencil. He watched her, wide eyed. Every male in a thousand mile radius, was in love—or lust, with Megan Dupree. Our boss was no exception. She straightened up and gave Hank an innocent wave, waggling her hot pink-tipped fingers before closing the gap between us.
“You’re evil,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. I tried to keep a straight face, but honestly, Meg’s antics cracked me up, despicable or not.
She knew the game. Tossing her hair, she pretended to scoff me. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have the guts to unleash your inner man-eater. And you haven’t answered me.”
“Only because I was worried about having to perform CPR on Hank. He looked like he was going into cardiac arrest. Mind repeating the question?”
Meg couldn’t hide her grin. “Where. Are. We. Lunching?”
Great descriptions and scene. My only confusion was if the narrator is male or female. It's hard to tell from the name 'Beena' at the onset. Later it becomes obvious she's female, but until then, for me, it was still in question.
ReplyDeleteI like the hook and would definitely keep reading.
I had the exact same reaction about the gender of the narrator as VR Leavitt had above. Had no idea whether it was a man or woman.
ReplyDeleteAlso, by starting out with Megan Dupree, I thought she was the POV character or at least the main character. Wasn't until I got down to paragraph 3 that I realized this was written in first person.
How big of a character is Megan in this story? If she's not a main, I wouldn't lead with her. You want to hook your reader with the main character as soon as possible. Could be as easy as starting off with something like, "I sighed as Megan Dupree called...room. Megan was a lot of things. Unnoticeable wasn't one of them." Beginning with "I" immediately clues the reader in to the narrator being main character.
Also, if this is urban fantasy, I don't sense any fantastic elements right off the bat - granted it's only the first 250 words - but just be sure you throw something in the first chapter to clue the reader in to the genre.
Good luck!
Agree with what's been said. Megan currently overshadows your MC and at the outset we want to know who your MC is and that she is decidedly female.
ReplyDeleteFor me the third paragraph is the issue. Your MC sighs and that sigh is ambiguous. I read it at first as attraction. I was surprised later by the maneater comment.
I'd pull back from Megan. She's a great character but I want to know more about your MC and the predicament your title suggests.
Agree with above--start with mc so we don't get distracted with Megan. Also, keep a look out for word repitition. In the first three paragraphs you use the word "room" three times. I'd keep reading. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked the tone, and Megan is a vivid character. My only quibble is fairly minor, which is that a few places would benefit from being tightened. For example, "the buttons ... screaming in protest against the pulling material" was a bit wordy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "having to perform CPR on Hank/looked like he was going into cardiac arrest" seems like the same idea twice.
I'm assuming "man-eater" is a bit of foreshadowing? It's interesting. I'd keep reading on.
I had no trouble realizing the narrator was female. But the word "pulling" for the material is awkward. The cliched word "tight" works better.
ReplyDeleteWhy is Hank "poor Hank" when he is the boss and is in love or lust with her?
If you haven't been published yet, you probably need to have some fantastic element in the first 250 words. If it's "man-eater," that's not clear enough. If "man-eater" is just a figure of speech, that has to be cut, because such figurative language is confusing at the start of a fantasy.
However, I've seen such scenes in real life, so it does seem realistic to me.
Mark in the Seattle area
I agree that this is set up so that it looks like Meghan Dupree is the MC. The whole 250 words is focused on her. Perhaps find a way to get more of Beena in there?
ReplyDeleteI also felt like Beena didn't like meghan very much, but that seemed to change as I got closer to the end, where it seemed like they were friends. You might want to reconsider that.
In the 250 words you were given I think you showed great voice. Because of the scandalous nature of MC's friend I would keep reading. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really fun scene. I like the characters, and the difference between the two. I'm wondering how many people are in the room.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
It took me a minute to realize they were at work. The POV threw me also.
ReplyDeleteI would have preferred the focus on Beena.
I wasn't sure about age.
The voice seemed timid to me--embrace it!
I couldn't picture where they were. It was only right at the end I realised they were at work. Perhaps instead of the word 'room' in the second paragraph you could use 'office'.
ReplyDeleteI've spent the whole afternoon getting to here and getting tired but your 250 word is enough to get me to keep on reading.
ReplyDeleteOn American Idol you are going to Hollywood.
I don't really like Meg, and I'm not sure if the narrator does either? I get the feeling that the banter is playful, but the tone still doesn't seem like she really likes this Meg, hmmm...
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not sure where this is going. I think this whole scene could have been told in half the words and been stronger. I know I sound like a broken record saying it over and over, but this is one of the most common errors in general.