3 problems - I don't thing Wesley is a girl's name, Atlas never slogged through mud that I know of, and "a big plant on THE shoulders" looks like a typo. Sorry.
Not hooked. It would be hookier if we knew what the realization was, or what made her think of it. Seems like wasted words with the cryptic "Break Time" and reaching for a purse. I also had trouble with the mud slogging being attributed to Atlas, though perhaps it was only the planet portion of the comparison that was supposed to be attributed to him. I would have a hard time remembering that "Wesley" was a girl - too much Princess Bride watching in my past, I think. =]
Sorry, not hooked. I didn't see how Break Time fit in capitalized like that--and then there's the typo. Wesley as a girl's name didn't bother me, though.
Not hooked. Maybe start with the realization itself? Reaching for her purse strikes me as a mundane kind of action, so unless there's something in her purse that has to do with her revelation, I think your story really starts with the last sentence.
It just seems like nothing is happening, no point to the reaching for the purse. I have no issues with the heroine's name, but I don't like the title of the story, if it is a title. Too cryptic for me, wouldn't even pick the book up, I fear.
*sneaks in.... it's almost 4PM, so I think it's safe*
Thanks for the comments guys! :)
Break Time <- Was a typo. It was something she muttered. I was waffling about putting it in or taking it out for the 25 words. I put it back in and forgot the quotes. I don't think I need it though. So it's going.
Atlas <- Was not a typo, but I'm second guessing using that line as it is. I wanted to express how she felt, which can feel exactly like you are trying to keep your footing as you trudge through mud with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
BSW <- Temporary title. Just an acronym from a WIP description + main character's name. X)
Wesley <- Yep. It is a guy's name. Her grandpa's name, as a matter of fact. Her mom was a little off the wall. Heheh. I'm now very tempted to have somebody bring up Wesley from Princess Bride. :)
The point <- 25 words made this HARD. She reached for her purse to take her meds which she keeps forgetting to take. She has energy and memory issues... at least at the beginning of the book. ;)
3 problems - I don't thing Wesley is a girl's name, Atlas never slogged through mud that I know of, and "a big plant on THE shoulders" looks like a typo. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. It would be hookier if we knew what the realization was, or what made her think of it. Seems like wasted words with the cryptic "Break Time" and reaching for a purse. I also had trouble with the mud slogging being attributed to Atlas, though perhaps it was only the planet portion of the comparison that was supposed to be attributed to him. I would have a hard time remembering that "Wesley" was a girl - too much Princess Bride watching in my past, I think. =]
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. There's just not enough bang here.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the name Wesley for a female, and the description tries too hard
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDelete"Break Time" has to go.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I'm also not sure about Wesley for a girl, but that alone wouldn't turn me off. It's just not grabbing me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. I didn't see how Break Time fit in capitalized like that--and then there's the typo. Wesley as a girl's name didn't bother me, though.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. ㋡ But I am interested in a girl named Wesley being the heroine! ㋡
ReplyDeleteWesley did throw me off when SHE reached for her purse, but it wouldn't stop me from reading.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there just isn't anything here. Perhaps tell us what she realized, or why she feels she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Not hooked. Maybe start with the realization itself? Reaching for her purse strikes me as a mundane kind of action, so unless there's something in her purse that has to do with her revelation, I think your story really starts with the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt just seems like nothing is happening, no point to the reaching for the purse. I have no issues with the heroine's name, but I don't like the title of the story, if it is a title. Too cryptic for me, wouldn't even pick the book up, I fear.
*sneaks in.... it's almost 4PM, so I think it's safe*
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments guys! :)
Break Time <- Was a typo. It was something she muttered. I was waffling about putting it in or taking it out for the 25 words. I put it back in and forgot the quotes. I don't think I need it though. So it's going.
Atlas <- Was not a typo, but I'm second guessing using that line as it is. I wanted to express how she felt, which can feel exactly like you are trying to keep your footing as you trudge through mud with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
BSW <- Temporary title. Just an acronym from a WIP description + main character's name. X)
Wesley <- Yep. It is a guy's name. Her grandpa's name, as a matter of fact. Her mom was a little off the wall. Heheh. I'm now very tempted to have somebody bring up Wesley from Princess Bride. :)
The point <- 25 words made this HARD. She reached for her purse to take her meds which she keeps forgetting to take. She has energy and memory issues... at least at the beginning of the book. ;)
Not hooked, sorry.
ReplyDelete