TITLE: Destroyer of Light
GENRE: Mythical romance
Eros walked to where Kore lay in the grass and pressed a hand to the soft flesh of her breast, taking great care to be gentle. His mind pressed past the goose flesh that appeared beneath his fingers and into the heart below. Bomp, bom bomp, bomp, bom bomp. He kneeled for several minutes feeling her rhythm then took his hand away; it pulsated to the same beat though the rest of his body remained under the control of his own heart.
Having all he needed he left her and flew back to the clouds. With the first part of his business taken care of he returned his body to its natural state. The disconcerting feeling of being without a visible form was not something he enjoyed though it was often necessary; his purpose usually required stealth.
He selected an arrow from his quiver and gripped it in his right hand until it came alive with the imprinted rhythm. The effect of fitting it into the bow was immediate and he let it pull him through the humid air without much thought to where it led. The closer the target the stronger the pull became and soon it was all he could do to stay in the sky.
He beat his wings to stay aloft, like dog paddling in the ocean, and surveyed the scene before him. A few mortal women were gathered outside of a house kneading dough, their very human smell of grain and loam wafting up to him.
Give me a minute. I'm floating in the clouds. Very peacefully too.
ReplyDeleteI recommend putting the sound of the heartbeat into a separate paragraph.
Human smell of grain and loam? Would that be the smell of the bread dough?
I'm interested and want to see what happens next. Very intriguing.
Best of luck
Having never read a mythical romance, I'm a little lost here. For the most part this reads well, though "His mind pressed past the goose flesh that appeared beneath his fingers" was an odd phrase, and "Bomp, bom bomp, bomp, bom bomp" didn't seem necessary. Also, it reminds me a bit of an oldies song.
ReplyDeleteBut I liked the last three paragraphs, which are very beguiling, and the details in the last sentence particularly.
I love mythology and I like this view of Eros (Cupid?) enchanting his arrow with the woman's heartbeat. I would definitely read on to see where that arrow is headed.
ReplyDeleteNot my genre, but I think it works. I don't know anyone who kneads dough outside... Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI was confused and had to read it twice.
ReplyDeleteI don't like to be confused.
Eros is doing stuff for sure but it didn't quite work for me. I think I was unsure as to why I should be interested in what had just happened.
The dog paddling didn't fit for me.
Sorry, but this was way too wordy for me, and all those words didn't create very clear images.
ReplyDeleteHe returned to his natural state - Perhaps show us what he looks like in his natural state?
it came alive with the imprinted rhythm - perhaps show us what this means. What is the arrow doing? Help me picture it.
The effect of putting it to the bow was immediate - what is the effect? Again,what is it doing?
Show me what's going on. Don't tell me.
If I were to comment on a 250 word drop into your M/s and based on the context of 'submission based' I'd think that I'd say that generally it lacks drama. It kind of needs pepper and salt if you can understand what I mean.
ReplyDeleteIt does have a case of it being a very shallow, nothing deep in the narrative, a lot of tell not show and you kind of gloss over anything concrete.
If I can describe it better for you to help you with what I am saying is that a lot happens here but nothing really does.
As a submission I think if you have a meaty story, then I'd be really concentrating on a hook and a concept in these 250.
This is just...okay. I'm a lover of mythology and retellings, but I'm also very, very picky about it because I get so many submissions like this. While the writing isn't bad, this scene just isn't stand out...it's missing a real hook to draw in your reader. I also think it could have been tightened to make room for more tension.
ReplyDelete