TITLE: Shaping Fate
GENRE: Historical Fantasy
The rhythmic squeak of the death cart's wheels interrupted London's silent midnight. The smell of rotting meat accompanied the two men who pushed the rickety cart stacked high with corpses. Several bore the telltale black rings encircling swollen, red lumps on their necks and armpits; others with blood caked at the corners of their mouths.
William sat in his kitchen and gazed through the cracked window pane to the street below. The chill of the early spring night slithered inside and sent a shiver through William. He’d seen the same two men at the same loathsome chore during the day, but the foggy darkness created a more macabre scene.
As the cart rolled by, it hit a loose stone, causing one of the corpses to flop off the cart. The gray-skinned woman hit the ground, her lifeless milky eyes catching William’s in a morbid gaze. He turned away as one of the men hobbled over and hoisted the woman back onto the cart, mumbling something William could not make out.
Pestilence had laid itself upon the land like a death shroud. Young, old, men, women, children, pious, faithless. . .Death had diminished each. Some believed it to be the Wrath of God. Others believed that hell had broken loose on earth. Neither option swayed William. His only concern was to keep his wife and daughter untouched by this awful scourge.
I liked it, and I'd read more. I like the descriptions, and I'm interested to know what exactly William is going to do to protect his family from the Plague, when no one knows how it is caused.
ReplyDeleteAll you need is someone with a bell shouting "bring out yer dead!" ;)
:] Agreed with JoAnn, "bring out yer dead!" would be fitting.
ReplyDeleteSo, I really liked this, it was written very descriptively, and the descriptions were flawless. But one bothered me, I didnt feel like I got much of a sense of William until the last sentence. But seeing as how it's only the first 250 words, I don't think this is much of a problem. Great job!
I liked the description in the first few chapters, it really set up the scene in my mind. The fourth paragraph seems like it could be tightened up a little, though I would definitely keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteI like it, but watch the adjectives. Your descriptions would work better if you cut a few, like lifeless milky eyes--pick one and go with it. I would read more. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked it. I would read on. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your use of words here, and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked this - I would be very interested in something about (or similar to) the Black plague.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like the protag is just an observer until the last sentence. He is just siting at the table, watching. Even if he heard the cart roll by and then peaked out the door or window makes him a bit more active.
It would be nice if I could sense his fear as he watched the bodies; he has to much at stake, and he doesn't know what he can do. I think if you added a bit more internal reaction, we could get that. AS the woman falls off the cart, let him immediately think that could have been his wife.
Overall, though, I really enjoyed what you had here and would definitely read more.
You've set the scene well but William is too passive for me. More actions would make this grab me and make me want to turn the page. Maybe he could be on the street hurrying to get home and runs into this scary scene...maybe he's shoving his curious child back inside so she can't see them...whatever you get the idea.
ReplyDeleteI think you'll be able to grab a reader in the first 250 with this story with more action on the part of the MC.
I liked this one. You set the scene, you created a mood and tone for the piece, you presented a problem, and the topic is interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe writing could be a bit tighter, and the suggestions to have William more active and to show some of his internal feeling/thoughts would all help to make it even stronger. I'd read on.
Very black. The tone of the book is there. I would persevere.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everybody who left feedback! I'm really glad that you all enjoyed it overall and the criticism are warranted and helpful! Thanks so much!
ReplyDeleteThis is solidly good, although it didn't blow me away. But overall a good start! I would read more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Joanna! I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my and everybody's offerings! :-)
ReplyDelete