Wednesday, March 10, 2010

39 Secret Agent

TITLE: The LordHeirs
GENRE: Contemporary Fantasy

Concealed deep in the shadows of the rain-soaked forest, Daemon watched the female hiker intently, aroused and fixated on every detail. Her piercing blue eyes, the way she huffed at the willful lock of red hair falling in her face, firm breasts swaying with each stride.

She was unlike any of the others. A butterfly set to burst forth from its pupa. But dangerous, so very dangerous.

Thrilled with this long anticipated discovery, a smile stretched across the gaunt face behind the Steiner 1580R military binoculars. Daemon was amused with the young woman’s naivetĂ© regarding her fate, delighted she was oblivious to the inconceivable power a mere fifty feet away. Checking the dagger was secure in its sheath and the syringe within reach, Daemon stood up behind the fallen Sequoia. “I’ve got you, Young One.”


It was early morning and thick, dark clouds choked off the sun’s fiery rays leaving the forest floor dark and devoid of color. Alex had been hiking for over two hours. Her feet slipped on the slick trail and she had to hold on tight to her walking stick to keep from falling to the ground. “Son of a…”

Despite her half curse, the light drizzle didn’t really bother Alex. She loved hiking alone in the wilderness among the giant Sequoias. She breathed in deeply filling her lungs with fresh air when that same strand of hair fell in her eyes for the zillionth time. As Alex brushed the uber-irritating lock out of her eyes, a tingling sensation flickerered up and down the back of her spine – the one that says, something’s not right - be careful.


  1. At first I was somewhat jolted by the switch in POV until I got to the 2nd sentence in Alex's part. I would maybe put the 2nd sentence,"Alex had been hiking for over two hours." before the description of the morning to avoid this.

    Also the sentence, "Despite her half curse, the light drizzle didn’t really bother Alex." I kinda felt that the emphasis should be on her slipping and not cursing...something like "Despite her near fall, the slight drizzle didn't really bother...

    I like the setup though and would read further to see where it's heading...Good luck!

  2. I agree with Angela about switching two first sentences on Alice's part and forget the half curse in favor of the slip.

    Definitely a hook. I'm wondering/worrying about what will happen to Alex.

  3. I definitely enjoyed this and would read further. I was a little bit thrown by the "uber-irritating" though. Is this YA? If not, I would probably change the phrasing because it makes her sound like a teenager (though I only question it because it wasn't listed as YA - if she is a teenager then it's fine:) )

  4. I liked it and would read on if I picked it up in the book store. Good hook. Wondering what comes next. You had me at Daemon.

  5. GOOD STUFF!! I loved the early switch in POV. You established conflict immediately, and I want to turn the page and read MORE! ㋡

  6. I'm not a fan of seeing the exact same scene from different points of view. I want to see what happens next not have to wait while the next character goes through the same scene. Multiple POV are fine if the story keeps moving forward.

    Would he be able to see her eye color? Even with binoculars? The branding of the binoculars I found awkward.

    The set up is interesting.

  7. You don't quite hit on the immediate drama. That first sentence is not around the right way. You would have been better off starting with something like:

    Daemon watched the female hiker intently. From deep in the shadows of the rain-soaked forest Damon but I must say as I get further into the very early part of the story, I'd have to start Googling to find my Steiner Catalogue for military binoculars. In other words information overkill on my important submission here.

    There isn't tension and drama here. Its classic tell not show.

    If I got this in my slush pile in a busy office, I'd suspect I really wouldn't have the time to help you through edits in order to fill my list. I think, comparing this to American Idol, I'd not be sending you to Hollywood. There's just too much competition.

  8. I wanted to like this because I liked Daemon, but like Robbin, I don't want to read the same scene over and over in different POV's. If you want to switch back and forth, that's fine, just let the plot progress.

    You might also look at logistics.
    In Daemon's POV, we're in a rain-soaked forest, implying heavy rains. In Alex's POV, it's drizzle. In Daemon's POV, she's huffing her hair from her eyes. In her POV, she's moving it with her fingers.

    Naming the binoculars doesn't work because very few people will know what it means.

    Still, you set a tone, created mood and presented a problem on Daemon's part. A revision or two could take it where it needs to be.

  9. This feels over-dramatized to me. And I'm not sure the butterfly-pupa comparison is a strong as the author is intending it to be.

    I also feel like the POV shift here isn't necessary. I'd rather start with Alex and get to know her right away. But that part may just be me.

    Either way, I definitely think this can be tightened significantly.

  10. I found this quite interesting and would read on. Loved the name, Daemon. I'm hooked.