Miss Snark's First Victim
why try to catch a reader with what is yuckie to you and them? Not hooked.
I'm curious why the person is two inches from a mouse trap. I'd read on.
Eh. Not hooked, but not grossed out. Honestly reminds me too much of the nasty cheese in Diary of a Wimpy Kid, so I probably wouldn't read on.
First sentence is a little rambly. Also, poor mouse! I'm not committed to being hooked or not hooked.
Not really hooked. "One thing goes through your mind" felt like the reader was telling me what I'd think about the situation.
Hmm. Not hooked. The first sentence ran a little long.
A lot of other things would go through my mind. Not hooked.
As somebody who used plenty of snaptraps on the seasonal mouse invasion (before I got the cat who just eats them alive), I'm wondering about anyone who'd actually put their face two inches away from the usually head-smashed mouse... :O So yes, I'd at least read a little more - assuming she had a horrible sibling who put the object-of-death on her pillow.
I'd read a bit more.
I'd be more concerned about my face being injured. Might read a little further.
I'm hooked. This rocks.
I love the voice here, and agree with their sentiments.
The first sentence was a bit awkward for me. I might read on.
I'd read more. Since he's a snitch, I'm imagining he's being held down by someone he snitched on, which is why his face is so close to the mousetrap?
Consider me hooked. I gotta know why he (or she) is two inches from a mouse trap.
I'd read a bit more to see where things were going.
After such a great beginning, the "EW" is kind of a let down. Any way the character could give a not-so-obvious response? Interesting hook, even though the genre isn't my cup of tea.
I think this could easily be reworded to draw me in a little better. I wouldn't tell the reader what they'd think, I'd jump right out and say what I (as the MC) were thinking.
Love it :)
Not hooked by the sentence, but love the voice and the title, so would read on.
Not hooked, but might be if sentence were tightened. Work EW into it instead of saving for later.
undecided. I'd read a little more to see where it's going.
I'm no expert, but I do teach children. The question is whether an adult would keep reading, but weather a child would. Most of them would love this.Boys especially.
Heh. It could be tightened, but I'd read on.
Liked this:One thing goes through your mind when your face is two inches from a mouse trap baited with a cube of moldy cheddar.And expected a pay off from a nice set up.Ew isn't it.Maybe:I'm never eating again.ORwhatever--comedy ain't my thing but hopefully you get the idea