The girl’s bathroom stunk. Not ‘normal’ stinkage. Something worse. Something—eeewww. A girl stumbled out of the stall, wiping her face and shaking. Janie Morris.
I would change the "eeewww" either to a more descriptive word or a word that reads better like p.u. or yuck because the spelling of the current word isn't effective...I would read more though...
Agree with Angela. Bathroom stink, imo, is something you don't want to be vague about. Spawns all kinds of unpleasant thoughts...making me not want to read on.
Not hooked here... I'm not sure if Janie is the protagonist... if not, then the protagonist is too invisible right off.
"Something - ewwww." <- You could assert the protagonist (if it isn't Janie) and also show this a little more by having the character slap a hand over her nose and angle her head to see who was in the stalls.
An awful stink in the first sentence just turns my stomach (my imagination is all too helpful), and I am not invested enough in the story to be interested.
My first impression was that the MC was standing in the doorway of the bathroom overpowered by the stink, and that she was saying Janie Morris was the cause.
The second time through, I get (I think) that Janie had just vomited, but I'm still not clear on where this is going and who I should be rooting for. Not hooked
I would change the "eeewww" either to a more descriptive word or a word that reads better like p.u. or yuck because the spelling of the current word isn't effective...I would read more though...
ReplyDeleteBarely hooked. I'm curious to know why the bathroom smelled so abnormally bad, but I don't feel an attachment to the voice of the main character yet.
ReplyDeleteEr. Kinda hooked?
ReplyDeleteStink is pretty vague. She's-a-zombie stink? Or she had too much Mexican food for lunch stink?
Agree with Angela. Bathroom stink, imo, is something you don't want to be vague about. Spawns all kinds of unpleasant thoughts...making me not want to read on.
ReplyDeleteAs is, not hooked.
I'm torn. I'm curious what made this smell so much worse, but I'm not sure I'd read a lot longer unless we get a lot more soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what "normal stinkage" would be, but I'm interested to know why Janie is shaking. I would read on
ReplyDeleteNot hooked here... I'm not sure if Janie is the protagonist... if not, then the protagonist is too invisible right off.
ReplyDelete"Something - ewwww." <- You could assert the protagonist (if it isn't Janie) and also show this a little more by having the character slap a hand over her nose and angle her head to see who was in the stalls.
vomit to start a novel? no thanks...
ReplyDeleteThe "eeewww" threw me off. Still, I'd probably read a little more.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your responses! This is very helpful.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to start with an awful smell, let us smell it. Don't say it stunk, clue us in on what it smelled like.
ReplyDeleteOf course, making it too graphic might turn some readers off. Maybe start with the girl stumbling out of the stall, then go into the smell?
When I first read this I thought you mean A girl, rather than THE bathroom. Maybe leave off girl's and just say the bathroom?
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about what's happening, but not sure I'm hooked yet.
Seems more like a boy's bathroom than a girl's.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteAn awful stink in the first sentence just turns my stomach (my imagination is all too helpful), and I am not invested enough in the story to be interested.
My first impression was that the MC was standing in the doorway of the bathroom overpowered by the stink, and that she was saying Janie Morris was the cause.
ReplyDeleteThe second time through, I get (I think) that Janie had just vomited, but I'm still not clear on where this is going and who I should be rooting for. Not hooked
describe the smell and then I'd be hooked!
ReplyDeleteI was distracted by the "eeewww" and found myself mentally trying out various pronunciations rather than getting into the story, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. A bit curious, but not enough to pick up the book and do more than read the back jacket.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked yet, sorry.
ReplyDelete