Not my genre, and I'm not overly fond of present tense (it rarely works for me over an entire novel), but the second sentence makes me want to read on for a little bit at least.
I thought the writing could be cleaned up, and it did turn me off, but the idea of someone's mother sneaking off so she wouldn't have to see her child intrigued me. Hooked on the idea. Work on the writing.
And now I'm going to google Rogers Park because of what Fairchild said.
Well, this definitely sets up the conflict in a nice show not tell. Bravo for that. I do think you could tighten it slightly. I wait until I"m outside my mother's apartment before I call her...
Hooked...
ReplyDeleteHee. Okay.
ReplyDeleteBut I hope the present tense will hold up.
Hooked. I was interested in why the mother "sneaks out".
ReplyDeleteMore interested after googling Roger's Park.
Not my genre, and I'm not overly fond of present tense (it rarely works for me over an entire novel), but the second sentence makes me want to read on for a little bit at least.
ReplyDeleteHooked. The situation is very real.
ReplyDeleteit doesn't really grab me. Also I don't think you need "in Rogers Park".
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely hooked. :)
ReplyDeletehooked
ReplyDeleteCompletely hooked!
ReplyDeleteI thought the first sentence was full of speed bumps - that it didn't flow - but I liked what it led to. Try tightening and/or rearranging.
ReplyDeleteI tend to shy away from present tense, I find it cumbersome to read unless executed well.
I'd keep reading hoping the rest of the text was smoother.
Just a suggestion:
I call my mother when I'm standing outside her apartment building. That way, she doesn't have time to sneak out.
I liked it. Feel hooked. Want to know why her mother would sneak out.
ReplyDeleteI thought the writing could be cleaned up, and it did turn me off, but the idea of someone's mother sneaking off so she wouldn't have to see her child intrigued me. Hooked on the idea. Work on the writing.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm going to google Rogers Park because of what Fairchild said.
A little bit bumpy, but I like the setup.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds too expository. Like you're going to tell the story. Why not start out by showing the porch to show where your mother lives.
ReplyDeletehooked enough to read on, but not blown away.
ReplyDeleteGood one! Hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I'd read on to learn why the mother feels she has to sneak out.
ReplyDeleteHooked for sure.
ReplyDeletehooked
ReplyDeleteWell, this definitely sets up the conflict in a nice show not tell. Bravo for that. I do think you could tighten it slightly. I wait until I"m outside my mother's apartment before I call her...
ReplyDeleteHah! I was iffy until the second sentence, but that hooked me.
ReplyDeletenot a fan of present tense...i wouldn't read on normally...we can learn it's Rogers Park later
ReplyDelete