TITLE:Night's Magic
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Titania Dell stood in the elevator and tapped one impatient, well-shod foot. Courthouse technology had all the speed of an inchworm and she couldn’t wait to get home. She resented every second she missed with her family. As assistant federal prosecutor, she worked long hours and deserved the coming three-day Easter weekend. Her cell rang and a quick glance showed Algernon’s name. “Hello.”
"Sweetheart,” he said.
Delighted shivers raced up her spine. Algernon’s voice made her heart beat a little faster and her toes curl in her lavender pumps, even after a thousand years of marriage.
"How was the trial?"
"I did it," she bragged shamelessly. "I got a confession from Hardy and he’ll be down for twenty years of hard time, one less drug dealer on the street."
"You’re the best there is." He stated it as fact. "You help the people more than they’ll ever know."
She hoped he was right. Humanity didn’t need her magic anymore. All she had to work with nowadays was her mind- a good thing, too. Hiding from the Fae and Elven courts hadn’t been easy when she’d thrown magic around like confetti.
"You might be just a tad prejudiced.” She laughed and smoothed the skirt of her new violet Easter suit. “Don’t forget to pick up the children from school. There’s no way I’ll beat traffic now. Umm…, do you have your list?" She tried not nag, but he’d get busy with a building project or drawing up plans for a new house and the next thing you knew, the school called to say he’d forgotten someone again. You’d think a grown man could count to six.
Very little here to latch onto, although there are the occasional snippets that catch my attention. Specifically "even after a thousand years of marriage" and the mentioned of the Courthouse technology.
ReplyDeleteTry cutting out the technology from that line. Make it a proper noun and you further intrigue people.
I am curious about that relationship since they've been together for over a thousand years but they're still having kids. How old are they?
In the last paragraph, it seems you forgot a "to" in the next to last sentence (in "tried not nag").
Overall, I wouldn't continue, but there are a couple things that have me wondering.
Introducing a marriage can sometimes shy a reader away, but the thousand years bit made me a little curious about what's happening.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, her occupation feels a little forced. I'm not understanding why, after living thousands of years, she loves her job. I would focus the opener more on grounding the reader and introducing her than talking about some trial. It feels almost like bragging. And, I feel like the perfect job, perfect husband, and children are all introduced too quickly. It feels a tad stepford wife-ish.
It's a toss up if I'd keep reading because I did like the writing.
This was interesting. I like the way you drop in snippets about her life so causally. Married for a thousand years? Hiding from Fae and Elven courts? Six school aged kids? That got my attention. Do they reproduce for eternity and do the kids age normally or are they a thousand years old and still in high school--wouldn't that be a nightmare!
ReplyDeleteSo, yes. I'd read on.
Good job
I like the introduction of the fantastic into the "normal" life. They're married, but it's been 1,000.
ReplyDeleteThey have kids, but they have 6, which by today's standards is pretty high.
I think what it needs here though is a little more conflict. Like other people commented, it's a bit 'tidy' for now. I would assume a conflict is on the horizon, so I'd read on to see what it is, but if some tension could be introduced a little earlier, that might help make this hook a little stronger.
I like this, although there are the confusing (intriguing) elements mentioned above. The tense in the second to last sentence seems wrong: "...the next thing you knew, the school called..." Seems like it should read "...the school would call..." I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the 'hidden fae' having a normal life of work, marriage, and children. It makes me curious as to how old the kids are, and why they are hiding from the Fae and Elven Courts. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the snippets of the fantastic sprinkled throughout, also. I anticipated it from the names though-- Titania and Algernon kind of gave it away for me a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really like the paragraph between Algernon's "You're the best there is." and Titania's response though-- the information was good, but it slowed me down, and I wanted to get on to some action. The idea that they're hiding from the fae and elven courts introduces SOME tension, but not enough. Give me more!
I'd keep reading to look for it. :)
I liked the story idea more than the writing. I almost stopped after the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteShe tapped one impatient well-shod foot. Her foot wouldn't be impatient. She would be. And well shod made me think of shoeing horses.
As assistant federal prosecutor, she worked long hours and deserved the coming three day Easter weekend. This says she deserved the weekend because she was the prosecutor.
And her glance didn't show Algernon's name, her phone screen did.
Her shivers can't be delighted. They can be delightfFUL.
So while I like the idea, I don't want to have to read around the writing. Perhaps work a bit more on the technical aspects.
I don't usually read fantasy, but I liked the idea. But I did think there was just too much description--the lavender pumps, the violet Easter suit. It feels like too much telling, if that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteI liked this starting and would keep reading. We need an urban fantasy built around a married woman with six kids!
ReplyDeleteForgive me for pulling a Stephen King on you (get his On Writing book): Titania Dell tapped an impatient foot in the elevator. Courthouse technology inchwormed along, and she resented every second she missed with her family.
As assistant federal prosecutor, how many more hours would she have to knock down before the coming three day weekend?
Her cell phone rang. Algernon. "Hello."
Mark in the Seattle area
There is too much crammed into that first paragraph, it can easily be trimmed by a couple lines without losing anything.
ReplyDeleteAnd her feelings for Algernon feel inconsistent. I didn't see his unreliability coming at the end and it almost felt like she was talking about a different character.
This story might just need to start in a different place.
fell flat for me...kind of ordinary
ReplyDeletehere's the announcement of its genre:
>>Humanity didn’t need her magic anymore. All she had to work with nowadays was her mind- a good thing, too. Hiding from the Fae and Elven courts hadn’t been easy when she’d thrown magic around like confetti.>> telling
I don't think this is the right place to start either, and there is an awful lot of telling and backstory in the first 250 words. Can you start somewhere with some conflict or tension? Your premise is really intriguing but I don't think this beginning lives up to it.
ReplyDelete