TITLE: The Ivory Pomegranate
GENRE: Historical Fantasy YA
Fortis est Veritas
"Truth is Strong"
2350 B.C.E.
Atop Mount Sinai, an immortal monk realized death was inevitable as the waters crept close to his cell, etched high within the cliffs. He, Caprius, was not scared of death, for he had comfort knowing she was safe from the impending deluge. Secured in the ark of a worthy man named Noach, she was protected from the sons of darkness and in doing such, he had ensured that the truths would be preserved both in her, her talents and the scrolls of destiny nestled in the urn.
He looked, hopeful, at the last words of prophetic truth she had penned:
For once, the earth spoke of it's promise to men
and there were those who heard her pleas
and believed in her truths-- just as you.
With supreme consideration, he rolled the last sheet of vellum, poured in a handful of sand, so that the passing of time would not mottle the ink and worked at a feverish pace to seal the urn with pitch. Then he tethered himself to the stony enclave, as directed by the council's protocol, to ensure that his body, bloated and buoyant with death, would not reveal the scrolls whereabouts. He cradled the urn, an alabaster veil of promise, to his heart and said farewell to the home he had known for centuries.
One day, he thought, the sons of man will be eager for truth. But until then, the scrolls of destiny would await discovery by those deemed worthy.
I don't know about this one. Some of it works for me and some of it doesn't. The second line is confusing--we need a little clarification on the 'she'. And an immortal monk is kind of bulky...and confusing since he's facing his death? There might be a better way to pull this off. I like the hook--I do want to read more, but I don't know that I love it.
ReplyDeleteWho is she? What impeding deluge? Balancing introductions while simultaneously moving the plot along at a nice pace can be tricky but I think you're almost there. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the first paragraph twice too--a bit confusing with the "she" at first. I like the idea, but the language seems forced.
ReplyDeleteAfter the first paragraph it comes together. I know the first paragraph is vital and I like the idea of an immortal monk, and am intrigued by the fact that he's facing death, but I think it needs to be rephrased.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of it though is very good. I like the imagery of the urn and the sand and the vellum, etc. That goes a long way to set the era. I probably could have approximated the date you told us at the beginning by your description. Very well done. Would certainly read on.
Admittedly not my genre, but by the end I was into it. The first paragraph needs work--readers shouldn't have to reread to get what you are saying. And I agree with above: how can an immortal monk die?
ReplyDeleteImmortal got me too, I think it needs reworked. The rest was intriguing. You might think about telling us who she is, at least a name. Don't hide things from the reader unless you need a dramatic moment or something. Hide things from the other characters :D
ReplyDeleteI'm confused by the immortal monk about to die, too. But I'm also confused by how cradling the urn will somehow protect the whereabouts of the scrolls. How can an urn be a veil?
ReplyDeleteI find the plot somewhat intriguing, but the writing is clunky and might keep me from reading more. It's all fixable, though, so keep at it. I think you have an interesting story to tell.
I'm definitely intrigued and would read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the 'Noah's ark' and flood tie. I am intrigued by who he was able to secure on the boat.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem with the 'immortal' monk dieing, but I read a lot of fantasy and immortal beings can be killed. Perhaps something like 'ageless' would be less off-putting to people.
I am also curious about the scrolls of destiny and how they come to light.
I would read on for sure.
My confusion is more in the Latin. Is this a chapter title or heading? It took me out of the story to see it, and then the date of 2350 BCE, because Latin would not have been used then, or even heard of, since Rome wasn't founded until after 800 BCE. If this is just more like a prologue kind of thing, then maybe it's okay, if the rest of the book takes place in a time period within which Latin is used. But I'm inclined to think that maybe you don't need that Latin at all-- perhaps just italicizing Truth is Strong will accomplish your goals.
ReplyDeleteI think naming whoever "She" is in Caprius's thoughts might help the confusion, though I'm wondering if you have a reason for keeping it secret.
I would definitely read on, because I love the biblical illusions. And the idea of the Immortal monk contemplating death is a nice contrast to me. Tolkien's elves are immortal, but can be killed, and so can Highlander, so that didn't bother me at all. It's definitely an established idea that immortality does not mean one can not die.
This read like a prologue to me, and if it was a prologue, I might read more. If not, I'm wondering why we're being introduced to someone about to die.
ReplyDeleteI did have a problem with an immortal dying. Immortal means you can't die and it's different from a person who can live forever, provided he isn't killed. That's ageless, as someone else pointed out.
I thought you might also name 'she.' What's the point in keeping her name a mystery? If you tell us who she is, we look forward to meeting her. 'She' tells us nothing, and I have no interest in her. My interest now is in the scrolls.
I did like the biblical references and they piqued my interest more than anything else. I can't say I'm hooked, but I'd read on at least for a little longer.
...an immortal monk realized death was inevitable ...
ReplyDeleteI don't see how an immortal can die, unless you go with something like the Highlander where they die and resurrect all the time. I don't know who "her" is either. If she is the MC, then we need something more to want to connect with her.
I like some of this , however, mystic ancient scrolls of destiny, just tighten it up a bit.
You lost me at "it's" because that is wrong and it's a pet peeve of mine. It's=it is; its is possessive. Not that hard, please learn it!
ReplyDeleteWell, actually you lost me with the immortal monk dying and "she's" safe on the ark because I got all caught up in the illogic and Noah's ark filled with pairs, not a single "she", then I thought she had the scrolls, but he has them, but he's being drowned, but...
This could be interesting without the distractions mentioned. Maybe write a bare-bones factual report of the scene, then end up somewhere between the two. Good luck!
My first impression of the first paragraph was "info dump" (my fault, not yours). I started back at the beginning and actually really liked it. It paints a grim but hopeful picture, it's extremely tightly written, and the mystery of who she is and what exactly is going on made me want to read more. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI was a little thrown off by the typo "Noach", which is minor, but made me confused about the reference to the Ark. And I think if "she" had a name, it would be easier to read.
ReplyDeleteThis one is extremely passive and for that reason doesn't draw me in at all. It seems to start in omniscient narration, then slides into third person past, and it refers to a character that seems important as just "she," which might work if everything else weren't so passive. In this case, I think it would need a complete reworking.
ReplyDeleteThe idea isn't bad though. I do love a good monk fantasy.
reads like a prologue which I am not a fan of --even when my favorite authors use them
ReplyDeleteAs a former literary agent, I have to say that I found this extremely dull, boring and wordy. There's absolutely no hook here. You're trying to be literary, but every word comes across as forced. Your sentences are too long, your word choice wrong for YA. I forced myself to finish reading, but I would have rejected based on your first paragraph alone. If that's your first page, I don't want to know what the rest looks like.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it.
Author Here: Just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback. And let me just say that you guys are good!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is a prologue, the Latin quote was taken from Chapter 1 which takes place in 534 BCE(should have left it there), Noach is not a typo,it's the Hebrew spelling. Definitely gonna replace the word "immortal", change it to active voice, get rid of (Gasp) the incorrect form of it's and include Sambethe in place of "she".
And again thanks to you guys for taking the time to help me become a better writer. :)