Not hooked. I reread several times to try to understand how the first two sentences related to the third. Even without the first two, the third seems a bit ho-hum.
This isn't immediately hooking me. The 3rd line is a bit wordy and 'I met my future' sounds a bit melodramatic. But it's so hard to say with just one line- I don't put a book down just because of the 1st 25 words :-)
Not hooked. She met her future. Is it a man. A dog. A homeless person. It could be anything. I agree with Amy Sue. Show us her future, then there's something definite for me to be curious about.
Maybe. I'd give it a little longer. I think I'd drop met my future. And since I have no idea where this is going--my suggestion may be way off but if you've got Alaska (wild) and Chicago (urban)--contrast and ying and yang--contrasting, as she goes off to meet this future, maybe you can show something about the contrast instead of, I don't know, just the non-specific future.
Met my future. I don't like this as in this form. But what if you changed 'future' to Alaska so you quantify more succinctly in those first words what you mean. Met/meet/or bumped into?
Maybe. State and city. City and city would be sharper.
ReplyDeleteMet -- meet? Or she met the future as soon as she arrived?
Having lived in Alaska and Chicago, I was hooked!
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Not so much.
ReplyDeleteYou could drop the first 2 sentences. I'd read a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. Where's Union Station? Maybe start with "I exited..." and do the first two sentences later?
ReplyDeleteI'm iffy. This isn't really my genre, but I like the Chicago/Alaska thing. I might read on.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree that losing the 1st 2 sentences wouldn't hurt.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I reread several times to try to understand how the first two sentences related to the third. Even without the first two, the third seems a bit ho-hum.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't immediately hooking me. The 3rd line is a bit wordy and 'I met my future' sounds a bit melodramatic. But it's so hard to say with just one line- I don't put a book down just because of the 1st 25 words :-)
ReplyDeleteThe cadence would pick up a bit if you used:
ReplyDeleteFairbanks, Alaska and Chicago, Illinois. Ying and Yang.
I'd suggest not telling the reader your protag meets her future. Show it.
The dichotomy of the two settings is intriguing. I'd read on hoping the book focused on that.
Not hooked. She met her future. Is it a man. A dog. A homeless person. It could be anything. I agree with Amy Sue. Show us her future, then there's something definite for me to be curious about.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. I'd give it a little longer. I think I'd drop met my future. And since I have no idea where this is going--my suggestion may be way off but if you've got Alaska (wild) and Chicago (urban)--contrast and ying and yang--contrasting, as she goes off to meet this future, maybe you can show something about the contrast instead of, I don't know, just the non-specific future.
ReplyDeleteI love the title, and love Alaska. The bowels of Union Station is gross, though. I was hooked up until that point.
ReplyDeleteMet my future. I don't like this as in this form. But what if you changed 'future' to Alaska so you quantify more succinctly in those first words what you mean.
ReplyDeleteMet/meet/or bumped into?
Not quite hooked, sorry.
ReplyDelete