Thursday, March 25, 2010

43 Historical Fantasy

TITLE: The Ivory Pomegranate
GENRE: Historical Fantasy


Our braids, stained in mardouma, hang heavy atop beads of bone that rattle in unison like tiny skeletons as we fight.

17 comments:

  1. I feel like there is a bit too much going on in this sentence. Not hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree, my first thought after reading that sentence was "huh?"

    ReplyDelete
  3. Initial reaction is similar - that it's too much... but then I start wondering what they're fighting about. I'd probably keep reading for a bit and see if it was just that one sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Not really. Might be the present tense. It doesn't read smoothly here.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Majorly confused. Would probably read on just to figure out what was going on, but I don't think that is the same as being hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Not hooked. Seemed the sentence was trying to establish too much. Also I'd think the fighting required more immediate attention than the beads and hair.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Too much weird stuff. I need an anchor.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I need more sleep; I misread "braids" as "brains" at first.

    I agree with the others; this image is confusing, and I wouldn't want to read on.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This didn't hook me. The present tense doesn't work for me with the way slowness of the narrative.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Not hooked, but so very close to it. The description of the braids is nice, and I think can still be a keeper, but, hrm, it feels like too slow of a build to the revelation that they're fighting. Maybe split the sentence into two?

    "Our braids, stained in mardouma, hang heavy atop beads of bone. They rattle like tiny skeletons as we fight."

    ReplyDelete
  11. Not hooked, and I so could be, because it seems to be my kind of story.

    But the writing's too clunky. Their braids hang heavily 'on top' of beads made of bone.

    Perhaps you mean they hang "from?" beads of bone?

    And this seems like a description that could come after you introduce the fact that they're fighting.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sounds like a literary kind of fantasy, maybe? "mardouma" threw me. Not sure I'm getting your imagery. I'd probably read on to see where it goes, though.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love the title!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Not hooked. If people are fighting they are usually not contemplating hairstyles and such.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not hooked. Confused. I don't know what mardouma is, and the description felt off about braids hanging heavy on beads. I couldn't picture it, so the opening lost me.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Okay, not hooked, BUT.

    I really love the title and the details--except you're cramming too much into one line. It's a mouthful and reads clunky.

    If you scale back and show the fight (or set it up) and then begin weaving in the details about the braids, I think it would read much clearer and would be a good hook.

    ReplyDelete