Miss Snark's First Victim
Almost hooked. I hope "Literally." really means literally; otherwise, I'll be very disappointed.
Yes, I agree with Steve. To me, the "literally" is what saves this and makes it compelling. I want to read on. But I hope "literally" literally means "literrally."
Maybe. I'm almost never a fan of "literally" after a statement. I like the idea more than the writing.
interesting premise, but I think it could be worded better
I'm not quite hooked. Part of me feels like it explains too much right away, I feel like "Ok, so s/he accidentally killed his/her best friend...now what?" I don't think I'd read on. Maybe a few more sentences.
I agree with Jodi - the idea sounds intriging, but the writing isn't strong enough to keep my attention. Sorry, not hooked.
Says too much too soon. just not buying it.
Not hooked. Something really traumatic has happened to the MC, causing some kind of transformation...unfortunately, that all happened before the story starts.
The "literally" hooked and made me wonder if there are fantasy elements, but the hint of deep depression in the MC turned me away.
Consider omitting "lost all sense of who I was and" and skipping "literally." The rest of it is a hook.
I'd like you to show us this instead of telling us upfront. I know you can't show us all of it in the first few sentences, but just laying it all out there, to me, isn't compelling. I hope this helps -- and good luck!
Somewhat hooked. I'd read a little further.
I agree - a loose hook, but hooked. I think it could be tightened-up by adding some urgency.
I liked the first two sentences. It was actually the "literally" that kind of threw me off. Without it, I was hooked. With it, I kind of shrugged.
Semi-hooked. I'd read more, but with reservations.
The first sentence is very blah to me. Too much exposition and it's wordy. However, like others have said, the "literally" makes me curious to read on. But I'm hoping the rest doesn't read like the first sentence.
I'm iffy. I'd probably give it a bit more, but like others have said, the literally better really mean literally.
I'm with mbk3! :-)
Hooked on the premise! Here's what I might do:"The day I killed my best friend in an accident, I began living a second life. Literally."I don't mind the "literally," it's just the "I lost all sense of who I was" that seemed like too much telling for me. With the above version, it's kind of vague and you'll have to explain what you mean ASAP, but I prefer the rhythm of it. Just my $0.02!
Not hooked. you're talking to me, and you're explaining the story rather than letting it unfold.
change the wording a little. I like how M did it.
Like others have said, I'm more interested in the premise than the writing. Try reworking this.
It seems if someone killed their best friend, there'd be more of an emotional overtone. It'd be interesting to see a different start to a strong storyline.
I'm a bit confused. The death of a best friend is traumatic...accidental of not...
I don't like "literally", and am more intrigued by the idea than the writing. A maybe hook.