Thursday, March 25, 2010

45 SF

TITLE: (untitled)
GENRE: Science Fiction


The feeling that I was missing something important left me the instant I stepped onto the floor of the spraybath. This was a good thing.

12 comments:

  1. A little hooked. The last sentence struck me as unnecessary/redundant.

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  2. The first sentence was a bit long. I might keep reading to see what happens next, but I'm not immediately "hooked"

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  3. Seems like the story started too late. Not hooked.

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  4. Not hooked. Was the spraybath the thing that was missing? I'd rather the missing thing be something important. The second sentence doesn't seem to add much, and I don't really get a sense of the MC character or voice.

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  5. I misread this on the first read and took it to mean the opposite of what you actually said. Not really hooked; I think I'd be more interested if the narrator really was missing something important, especially. As it is now, there's no tension.

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  6. Not really hooked. It seems like an odd starting point.

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  7. I had to reread the first sentence three times. Still... I'd probably read a little more.

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  8. Not hooked. There might be something hooky coming, but this didn't do it for me.

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  9. Not hooked. Too vague.

    I'm heading into the spraybath and I feel something is missing. It could be something tangible like the soap or shampoo, or something intangible like I have no love in my life, no friendships. Perhaps give us a clue.

    Then I step in the spraybath and say, oops. I was mistaken.

    So now everything's fine. Why do I need to read on?

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  10. Thanks for the feedback! It's made me realize the wording was a little vague, which I'd half-known anyway.

    My revised version reads: The feeling that I’d forgotten something important disappeared the instant I stepped into the spraybath. This was a good thing, because I'd been scrolling my brain….

    The MC goes on to give the "real" hook within the first paragraph. I've tried several ways of getting that hook into the very first sentence, and they haven't worked.

    I've also tried starting sooner, but any earlier that day means watching him wake up (a no-no), and starting the previous day kills a lot of the tension in the first part of the book.

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