Thursday, March 25, 2010

46 UF

TITLE: PARALLEL
GENRE: Urban Fantasy


Peering over the seat in front of me, I watch Mel pick the tape off her long brown fingers.

I want to snap them in half.

21 comments:

  1. Cool! The first sentence is kind of lyrical, and the second one is blunt. Nice contrast. I'd read on.

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  2. This is different. I like it, but I'm not sure if I'm totally hooked.

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  3. I want to know what happens next. Good job.

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  4. I want to know why the MC has violent feelings towards Mel. I'd give it a few more lines to justify herself/himself.

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  5. Awesome punch with the sentence structures differing. I'm hooked, but tentatively. If the MC is violent enough to consider snapping someone's fingers, that may be too violent for me.

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  6. Present tense is really hard for me to read. I would like to read more, but I'd cringe the whole way. So, you've got me hooked, even though I think you need a tense change.

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  7. Not too keen on the present tense either, but I might read a little more, if only to see why the narrator is so hostile to Mel.

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  8. Oh, nice and violent voice there. I'd read on.

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  9. Hooked. The second sentence does it for me - I like it! :-)

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  10. bring on the violence. i'm hooked.

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  11. I like this! Definitely hooked. I have a YA supernatural short with the same title! It's a good title. >_<

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  12. Ooh, took me by a surprise, in a good way.

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  13. Hooked. Why does Mel have tape on her fingers, and why does MC want to rip them off?

    I would, however, cut the passivity.

    Mel picks the tape off her long, brown fingers.

    I want to snap them in half.

    You don't have to say the MC watched. That's assumed. And then you say it twice with watched and peering.

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  14. I'm hooked by the second sentence. It all works for me!

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  15. I'm curious about the hostility, but I'm not sure if I'd read on or not. I might skim down to see what else is going on... I'm so undecided!

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  16. Hooked--get that girl, Mel! I can feel your MC's annoyance.

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  17. As I've mentioned to other people, not a big fan of present tense. I can't say I'm hooked here, but the snapping of the fingers has me intrigued enough that I'd give it a little more.

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