I'm curious enough to read onward because of the epitaph, but if this is Lisa's grandfather the line should read "her grandpa's epitaph." It's not first-person, after all.
I don't like the present tense, but this intrigues me. I think fairchild has a good point; would someone really put "genocidal madman" on a tombstone, especially if Grandpa is also humanity's savior?
I like the epitaph, but 3rd person present threw me -- reminds me of a choose your own adventure for some reason. That being said, I like the tone and I'd read on.
The epitaph is enough to hook me. And genocidal madman could be on the stone if it wasn't a loved one who commissioned it. A corp. or govt. agency would be cold enough to come up with something like that.
Third person might work better for you, but that's a personal choice.
Although I'm not a fan of the present tense, I was hooked by what was on her grandfather's epitaph. I would certainly try to read further, but again, the tense could become bothersome.
Interesting...Hooked...
ReplyDeleteI hated the 3rd person present, it just isn't working here, but that epitaph? Oh yeah, I'm reading on!
ReplyDeleteI love it! I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about this one. I mostly like it by the "grandpa" threw me off. Is it her grandpa or the narrator's?
ReplyDeleteI like obelisks. Just a cool word.
ReplyDeleteThe present tense threw me though. (My rule is that if it's invisible to me, it works. If I notice...)
The only part I like is the epitaph, but I would probably read on
ReplyDeleteI'd read on...though, would someone really write "genocidal madman" on a dedication...especially if he's later known as a savior of mankind? *shrug*
ReplyDeleteWordver: uniter
That epitaph is definitely hooking:)
ReplyDeleteI don't know, it seems a bit much. But I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteThe epitaph hooked me, but the present tense is a turn-off. I'm not really sure how long I'd give this one to drag me in.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious enough to read onward because of the epitaph, but if this is Lisa's grandfather the line should read "her grandpa's epitaph." It's not first-person, after all.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the present tense, but this intrigues me. I think fairchild has a good point; would someone really put "genocidal madman" on a tombstone, especially if Grandpa is also humanity's savior?
ReplyDeleteI like the epitaph, but 3rd person present threw me -- reminds me of a choose your own adventure for some reason. That being said, I like the tone and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe epitaph is enough to hook me. And genocidal madman could be on the stone if it wasn't a loved one who commissioned it. A corp. or govt. agency would be cold enough to come up with something like that.
ReplyDeleteThird person might work better for you, but that's a personal choice.
Great idea and great writing! HOOKED
ReplyDeleteMostly hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the epitaph, but the present tense totally irks me. Would like to read the story, but not sure I could get past the annoyance.
Although I'm not a fan of the present tense, I was hooked by what was on her grandfather's epitaph. I would certainly try to read further, but again, the tense could become bothersome.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the epitaph! Not sold on the present tense. Works with some and not others--I'd have to read more to see (but I want to read more!).
ReplyDeleteHooked. I liked it despite present tense. I believe it would be better in past.
ReplyDelete*cackles* Okay, yes, hooked. I wasn't really pulled in by the opening lines, but the epitaph sold me.
ReplyDeleteI also wasn't thrilled with the tense/pov but it was more the two sentences that could have been one and not capitalizing Grandpa that annoyed me.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you completely redeemed yourself with the epitaph!