TITLE: Kitt Wilde
GENRE: YA
“Kitt, come alive,” Pa called in a low voice meant to wake only me. But I was already awake and so were my sisters. Not even the thick log walls of our ranch house could block the ruckus going on outside. To hear the horses and dogs tell it, another grizzly had found its way to the Bar G.
I slipped out of my warm cocoon under the heavy quilt and put my feet to the cold floor. Enough moonlight fought its way through the gingham window curtain for me to hurriedly dress in yesterday’s jeans and green checked shirt. It felt much earlier than get-up-for-chores early.
Rachel and Caitlin moved to get up. “Stay in bed,” I whispered. “I’ll go.”
I gathered up my curly blonde hair to knot it on the back of my head and moved into the main room of the house. Pa coaxed the lantern to a soft glow as I tugged on my boots and coat. He handed me a lever gun and a handful of cartridges then took the same for himself. We stepped outside, the door giving a mournful whine as it closed behind us.
“Stay on the porch now. If you get a shot, take it.” He took a long look in the direction the dogs were pointed. “I’ll be out by the barn.”
“Jake, Clipper,” I called. “Porch.” Both dogs came to me, even if unwillingly, growling and chuffing with their hackles up.
I like this, but I'm confused. Is the protag a boy or a girl? It's not clear and I think that's something important to identify in the first little spurt.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm concerned that there's too much description (some over-describing) going on and then not enough in other arenas. I don't care about the ghingham part of the curtain, but I need more description that they live on a ranch (Bar G gets the idea, but I had to read it three times to figure it out).
Also, I have a huge pet-peeve about opening with dialogue. I won't do it and I don't recommend it.
Again, this is good--I'm hooked and want to read more, but I think it could be stronger.
I'm hooked. I really like the voice and the setting here and would definitely read on. I already feel the tension as your MC stands alone on a dark porch facing who knows what.
ReplyDeleteOne thing - it felt a little like authorial intrusion to describe her hair as "curly blonde." She wouldn't be describing her hair to herself in this moment.
I agree with anonymous that this felt confusing. I thought it was okay, but felt like the opening probably falls short of the rest of your novel. Hope that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteGoodluck!
You have a good strong voice here, and I'd definitely keep reading. You entice us with the mention of a grizzly bear, but I wonder if it's something else.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sheila though about the curly blonde hair. I think she wouldn't necessarily describe that in that moment. I liked the rest of the descriptions though, it set a good tone and mood.
I liked the image of the moonlight fighting its way through the window.
ReplyDeleteTo me, Kit sounds like a girl (since you use the feminine "blonde"), but I can understand the other critters' confusion with the gender-neutral name Kit.
Also, I don't have a problem with starting with dialogue, but I thought it was strange for the father to say, "Come alive." It doesn't sound natural.
I like the voice. Agree about the blonde hair, though I think that was your way to let us know it's a girl (?). I'd find anothe way to convey if the MC is a boy or girl.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get the come alive line either, I thought at first she was dying and he said that.
I understood they lived on a ranch or log cabin, so that didn't confuse me one bit. I like the hint of danger is it or isn't it a grizzly bear... I'd read on.
I liked it and would read on. They're all right about the curly hair thing. Usually if someone thinks about their hair it's in a bad way, unruly hair, wild hair. I liked how you showed it was a girl with the hair. I'm hoping this is a historical YA! Let me know when it's published and I'll buy it for my kids.
ReplyDeleteThe curly hair stopped me as well,but so did green checked shirt. If I was hurrying out the door to shoot a grizzly, I don't think I'd be thinking about gingham curtains and a checked shirt. I did like yesterday's jeans though. Maybe the shirt could be soup stained from last nights dinner...or something along those lines. Other than those intrusions (which I know are to help the reader visualize, but backfire in this case!) I like the voice and I'd read more to see if she gets the bear or not.
ReplyDeleteThe hair is an easy fix. She could get annoyed by the way her unruly curls won't cooperate when she's in a hurry to dress. I did find some of the description unnecessary (gingham curtains, color of shirt) but overall had a good picture of what was going on. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others about the first sentence sounding awkward and sometimes too many adjectives/author intrusion. All of those are pretty quick and easy fixes though.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem with
being confused as to what gender Kitt was.
I would definitely read on to find out what they're about to shoot.
'Come alive' sounds to me a lot like the story is going to be paranormal. If it is, well done. If not, then I'd change it to wake up or something else.
ReplyDeleteI had the impression that Kit is a teen, so the father giving her a gun definitely had my attention.
I am intrigued by what they are going to find when they are outside...we think it's a bear, but maybe it's not. Good hook, good way to keep us reading.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was paranormal, too, based on the opening line. Easy to fix.
Another thought is to leave some of the good description until later...if the horses and dogs are really causing a fuss, I think the action should be more urgent. Get us up and moving with Kitt right away.
Love the line, "It felt much earlier than get-up-for-chore early."
Good luck!
I didn't mind "Come alive." It said country to me, and maybe even historical. I assumed she was a girl because she's sleeping in a room with her sisters.
ReplyDeleteYou might rework the hair sentence for several reasons. As others have said, you don't think of your hair in that way, then you say 'to knot it' which means she intends to knot it, but doesn't say if she actually did or not. "and knotted' would work better, and 'main room' is a bit lazy. What do they call the main room? Do they say, I'm in the main room? Give it a name.
'then took the same for himself'
perhaps change it to 'then took another for himself,' since 'the same' would have him taking hers.
Overall, though, I thought this worked. You have tension and mystery and a girl who can handle a gun. I'm hooked.
I liked it, although at first, I didn't know whether it was set back in the "Little House" days. I wasn't confused about Kitt being a girl, and I thought the description helped give me a feel for the country home.
ReplyDeleteI love your voice, I definitely felt like I was in the character's head. I assume the MC was a girl but after a quick re-read I can see how other's might be confused (and maybe I am too and it's a boy, :P ).
ReplyDeleteThe voice is good, the scene is good, but again, it's a little too wordy in that first two paragraphs. Once she's up and out though, it flows nicely.
ReplyDeleteI think this is suffering from trying to do too much in that first paragraph. Trying to give too much info and showing the voice at the same time. Why can't her sisters be asleep? It's not like they contribute anything in that paragraph? Can't she just slip out? Or maybe the youngest wakes up on her way out the door? At this point, I'd keep reading on a little further though because I'm definitely curious to see where this is going....
I'm not the author, but I'd love to hear from Anonymous why it's a pet peeve to open with dialogue. I've never heard that before. In fact, I've heard the opposite, that it's a good idea *to* open with dialogue. Just curious.
ReplyDeleteThanks! :)
Right off "Come alive" threw me. If I was more familiar with Pa I might have accepted it. But I had no basis for understanding this awkward phrasing.
ReplyDeleteThe moonlight helping her to hurriedly get dressed sounded odd to me.
I'd cut this down (tad overwriting here and there)but I like the sense of action and immediate danger.