TITLE: THE WRONG BROTHERS
GENRE: Chapter book
A small light crept around the room, sitting for a moment on a pile of jeans and sweatshirts on the floor. It moved on, illuminating a poster of the Super Bowl Champions on the wall and a baseball glove on the chair. It did a quick fly-by of the red-haired boy sleeping in the bed, landing finally on his nose. The boy's freckles stood out like ladybugs on a lampshade.
"What are you doing?" Zack mumbled, pulling the covers over his head.
"Oh, are you awake?" Will, with the flashlight, tried to appear surprised from the bed three feet away.
"It's hard to sleep with Tinker Bell in the room. I was waiting for Peter Pan to bust in the window."
"I'm glad you are not sleeping, Zack. I found the worm."
"A worm! In your bed?" Zack said, sitting up quickly.
"Not a real worm. You know how Grampa always says that you have to find the right worm to get a fish's attention. I found the right one to get the attention of the boys in the neighborhood and get them to like us. In fact, it may solve your problem of what to do for your science project too. It's all in this book." Will focused the flashlight on a book about the Wright Brothers .
"Dad is bugging me enough about my science project. I don't need you to start. A new school where the boys don't like us and a science project too! Our old school didn't make fifth graders do science projects.
I loved the opening paragraph, especially the ladybugs on a lampshade phrase. The dialogue in the last two paragraphs seemed a bit stiff. Do boys call each boys, or do they say guys or kids?
ReplyDeleteAnd then I did wonder about the new school aspect. On one hand, it might be considered cliche because it's done a lot. On the other hand, it's done a lot, so there must be a market for it. Otherwise, a very nice opening.
Who is the POV character in this? If it is Will, wielder of the light, I don't think he'd refer to his brother's freckles as ladybugs--although a great description. The reference to Tinker Bell was feminine as well.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is in complete sentences. Most people don't speak that way and boys definitely not.
I am intrigued by the magic worm though. Sounds interesting.
Good job
I love the line about ladybugs on a lampshade, but agree it isn't an analogy a young boy would make. I also agree the Tinker Bell comment made the boy sound girly. I would recommend using contractions in dialogue to make it easier to read and feel more authentic. Story premise seems a little flat, but I'd read on to see if it picked up. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI loved the Tinker Bell and Peter Pan comment, very funny. It was what drew me in. Before that, I was intrigued by the light falling all around the room and then falling on Zack. But it was the humor that really got me to sit up and lean closer to the screen. And the rest from there was executed very nicely. There is a sense of an adventure about to happen.
ReplyDeleteI was caught by the title...love it. I also like the idea of a kid sitting in bed at night contemplating how to get other kids to like them.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I was confused by the first paragraph, and had to reread it to understand what was going on.
And, if this is a boy book, which I am assuming it is, Tinkerbell, Peter Pan, and the description of the boy's freckles must go. FOr the freckles, Will could study Zack's face, wondering if he really had that many freckles, or if he didn't wash very well after their mud fight (or something like that).
Dialogue needs to be shortened, too.
I'm not really sure that first paragraph works for a chapter book. Chapter book readers need all the help they can get, and those first sentences are poetic but confusing. And "illuminating"? Not in any chapter book my first graders are reading...
ReplyDeleteThe story premise might work well for this age, but I think you need to look more carefully at successful chapter books. Simplify the language.
I like the first paragraph just fine. It's okay that it has a different viewpoint from the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe phrase "tried to appear surprised from the bed three feet away" seemed awkward to me.
The last paragraph seems too detailed for a fifth grader who just woke up to say.
Mark in the Seattle area
I agree about using contractions in dialogue...that's how we talk, especially children. I loved the first paragraph...the writing hooked me there. Good job.
ReplyDeletei think you have the potential for an engaging story here. The dialog is a bit old/stiff. Make it snap. As a parent I like seeing words like illuminating in my kid's books -- my daughter just read one that used responsible and uncomfortable. It didn't throw her at all --she tried to figure it out then asked me.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering if this really fits a chapter book. With a daughter in this stage of reading, I found some of the words a little advanced.
ReplyDeleteI think the Peter Pan and ladybug references are cute, but for boys nowadays I can't see them thinking that way. Maybe try more masculine references.
The premise is cute. Loved the title, especially when I saw he was reading something about the Wright Brothers. Cute play on words.
I didn't notice the title, but when Angie mentioned it I went back and she's right, it's really cute :-)
ReplyDeleteI loved the premise and the flashlight playing around the room at the start. I thought it was a great way of describing the setting in an interesting way. Some of the speech did sound too formal for boys though. And it felt like there was too much information up front, what with the explanation about the neighbourhood boys and the science project. But I don't know much about chapter books, so perhaps this exposition is usual?
You might establish POV but stating who is holding the torch. And if this is for kids, especially boys, they are very tough to engage unless they would rather sit in the library during playtime. Reads well and once you've established POV would work better.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but should read as by.
ReplyDeleteEstablish POV by stating who is holding the the torch and that it is a torch.
This does not have the voice of a chapter book. Is this supposed to be middle grade? Either way, didn't grab me at all, nothing about it stood out...I would not read on, unfortunately.
ReplyDelete