TITLE: Perspective
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
They check me out as I exit the building – one of the small bars that consider the eighteen-year-old drinking age to be more of a recommendation than a rule. Something about the way these guys survey the area rubs me the wrong way. The shady way they watch wouldn’t catch many other people’s attention, but years of self-defense classes have trained me to notice.
They walk when I do. My leg muscles tighten. I want to bolt but I don’t. I know the odds are I’m being paranoid.
There’s truth behind Mom’s constant worrying, even if it is annoying. She speaks from experience. I’m not about to take my safety for granted, so I walk faster and try to enter a nightclub. I hope to lose my possible pursuers in the crowd. But the bouncer asks me for ID I don’t have. He turns me away. The drinking age for some places around here must still be more than a suggestion.
I continue up Crescent Street cursing Lucy and Patrick for not being where they should have been. If they hadn’t stood me up, again, I wouldn’t be walking the streets of Montreal by myself. The guys following me, if that is in fact what they are doing, are most likely just trying to scare me as a joke. It happens all the time. My heart pounds. There’s another option for what they’re doing, and that happens all the time as well.
Like the characters, like where it starts, like the writing, detest first person present tense with a burning passion. I think you'd have a larger readership in regular first or third person. This is of course only my opinion, it could be the new hot thing or whatever :D
ReplyDeleteYour intro sentence strikes me as a bit awkward - I think "one of the small...rule" sounds like it's referring to the "They" rather than the building. Why not just say, "They check me out as I exit one of the small bars...rule." to avoid confusion?
ReplyDeleteThe narrator's thinking is a little hard for me to follow. "They walk when I do" threw me at first - wasn't sure what you meant and had to reread. Maybe something like, "When I stop, they stop. When I go, they go." This suggestion is not the best way to convey the message, but you could tweak it.
Your short, concise sentences convey a feeling of urgency, which I like.
Last sentence - I'm not sure the wording is right for what (I think) you're alluding to. It seems vague.
I definitely get the sense this is a young adult story - the voice is there - but I haven't seen any indication of any fantasy elements yet. Hopefully they're coming shortly after these intro paragraphs, otherwise the reader might be confused as to what kind of story this is.
Good luck!
I also tend to feel a bit jarred by first person present tense, but this line:
ReplyDelete"There’s another option for what they’re doing, and that happens all the time as well."
hooked me anyway. Awesome.
Loved the last line! It creates a wonderfully ominous feeling! I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI get the feeling I'd like where this is going, maybe because I like the voice, but I don't love the writing.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is awkward. Is the info about the drinking age important to the story? It feels clunky here.
I'm not bothered by the first person present tense. It lends an urgency to this opening that I like.
I like first person present and I think your writing is good. You set a mood and left me wanting to find out what happens to the mc. I like Kendall's suggestion about the first sentence. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI have no problem with first person present, but I'm just not finding this believable. And it's because of the writing, I think.
ReplyDeleteShe notices the bad guys because they walk when she does. If your outside walking, chances are, you're going to see other people walking too. Someone suggested - they stop when I stop etc. A good suggestion. Then she knows the odds are she's being paranoid, which says everything she's just told us is probably wrong, but then she goes on acting as if she isn't paranoid and what she imagines is happening is real.
There's truth behind mom's constant worrying. How is worrying true or untrue?
The problem, I think, is that your words don't say what you want to convey. Perhaps rewrite with that in mind?
I think you have good details, such as the muscles tightening in the legs. The nightclub and bouncer who turn her away could have used more detail, to keep our attention.
ReplyDeleteIt's not good to weaken the idea of pursuers, by calling them "possible" or with the phrase beginning with "if that is in fact . . ." If they turn out to be harmless later, keep that for later. Right now, the girl shouldn't be second-guessing whether she should be scared.
Just a word on culture-shock: I guess this is meant for a Canadian audience. In America, the drinking age is 21, which confused me in the first sentence.
Mark in the Seattle area
I'd tighten the last paragraph and open with that. And drop the first two. Then you'd have room to get me right to the action!
ReplyDeleteNot a fan of the tense either but I think it could work here.
Like some of the others, I found the first sentence a bit awkward. I can't say I'm a "fan" of first person present, but I won't avoid it either. When done right, I think it can work.
ReplyDeleteFrom this bit here, I am interested and would probably continue reading to see what was up with the MC.
I disagree with Mark about the first sentence being meant for a Canadian audience. I think it's awkward because the narrator is trying to get across to an American audience the fact that the drinking age is 18. If it was aimed at a Canadian audience, they'd know that was the drinking age (though from my understanding it varies across the country - I remember a mention of it being 19 in Vancouver). Anyway, I'd cut the 18-year-old bit from the first sentence. That she's below the drinking age shows that she's young, which is perhaps all we need to know for now. Later on you can reveal her age and maybe add a snippet of her thoughts that at least she lives in Canada where the drinking age is 18 so she doesn't have to wait until 21 like the Yanks over the border. That should allay the confusion of any Americans reading.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the right thing by starting with the MC in possible danger, but the danger is diffused for me by all her thinking and telling. I'd stick to describing what is happening and show us how she's feeling. The leg muscle part is good, as someone else mentioned, but I think you need to slow other parts of it down. Have her heart speeding up, then a wave of relief as she spots another nightclub ahead. Have her walk up and show us the bouncer rejecting her. This will all serve to build the tension. The last line is fantastic and is a definite hook.
I've seen what seems to me to be a bit of a trend lately. This tense gets on my nerves but that is subjective and a matter of personal taste.
ReplyDeleteI also always wonder whether, too, you have to be very confident and strict with yourself as to whether it can work well through a whole book of it.
Maybe it's appealing to modern tastes in these days of cell phones and messaging...
The opening isn't exactly great, but it gets better as it goes along. I'm definitely intrigued and would read more at this point. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. This gave me the creeps, so I'm definitely hooked. Love the last sentence and I didn't mind the first person. I thought it well written, and that's hard to do in first person.
ReplyDelete