TITLE: Eleri’s Tale
GENRE: YA Historical fiction
Every step forced the iron cuff deeper into the raw flesh of her ankle.
Eleri stumbled toward the dark hole that led to the belly of the ship. All night she had been herded through the forest with the other captives, pushed and goaded by men with blood-stained swords. Only at dawn had they been allowed a brief rest. The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun.
Then the pace had become even more merciless over the faint trail that led to the sea. The foreign ship waited there, hidden in one of the small coves that dotted the coastline of Eriu. Now open water lay ahead. Soon the sun would disappear into the west the green hills of Eriu that had already vanished behind her.
Eleri stifled a groan. It didn't seem possible that only yesterday Patrick had baptized her in the cool waters of the spring.
She struggled to keep her balance on the tilting deck, aware of the calculating looks aimed at the tall blonde girl in front of her. Despite a disheveled tunic and dirty face, the girl held her head high, ignoring the coarse remarks of their captors. A ferret-faced pirate with an air of authority waited at the head of the line, watching the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze. When she reached him, he thrust out his arm to bar her path and tapped a leather whip against his thigh.
I must read more of this! You had me with the first line and you delivered throughout the rest of the piece. I loved it.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved this! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like it and would keep reading, but I was a little distracted by starting on the ship and then backtracking into the forest. Maybe start with the forest and then head to the ship--it would be an easy fix without losing the drama. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI really loved the line "The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun."
ReplyDeleteI do agree with SeaHayes that going from the ship to walking then back to the ship seemed off but it's a minor thing. I would definitely keep reading. :)
This is good! I love some of your descriptions - the moonflower simile and the ferret-faced pirate, in particular! And both the main character and the blonde girl capture my attention! I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe passage of time throws me a little. It seems like the women are collapsing at dawn and then, after being forced on further, the sun is about to set again.
Great job!
Love it!! Read this line several times, not because I was confused, but because it was just so beautiful: "The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun."
ReplyDeleteI agree. The moonflower line is brilliant! I did find the time line a bit confusing, but not overly so.
ReplyDeleteI did get lost in the last paragraph. The attention turned to at tall blonde and I didn't understand what the line was about. Is it the line to enter the ship? I thought they were already on it.
Well written. Best of luck!
I agree about the time line. Rather than taking us to an instant flashback, just show it happen the way it actually happened.
ReplyDeleteI was surprised to find her on the 'tilting deck.' You had mentioned earlier that she made her way to the hole that led to the belly of the ship, so I imagined she was already in the hold.
And I was a bit disappointed when you turned our attention to the other woman. I wanted to know more about your MC.
The moonflower sentence was a great sentence. Nice imagery. But I believe wilt should be wilted. Nice start.
I like the moonflower line. A little too much passive voice, which I think could be cut out if we start with the forest and then go to the ship. Overall I'm hooked and would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments and liked this piece a lot. I would definitely keep reading. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThe title doesn't hook me, but the first line does, as does the rest of the entry. Great writing, great character. I'm totally invested in her and want to see her escape. There is a tad bit extraneous wording here...tighten up...paragraph two, last line, fix it. Fix the timeline issue too.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! Wish to read more!
Perhaps something like this:
ReplyDeleteEleri stumbled toward the dark hole that led to the belly of the ship.Every step forced the iron cuff deeper into the raw flesh of her ankle.
All night she had been herded through the forest towards the ship...
Last sentence in 3rd paragraph was unclear to me.
last paragraph--unclear as to who
it was about--the MC or tall blonde
This is good, but the flow is kind of broken. If you open on the ship, stay on the ship. We'll find about all about her capture later, I'm sure, but the best part of this was the tall blonde and the pirate's reaction to her. So keep us on that. Is Eleri watching her the whole time? Because when you backtracked, it didn't feel like she was...
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the broken flow either. I was going to suggest starting with her capture, as it obviously happened less than 12 hours ago, but the SA advises starting on the ship and not including the backstory, and I know whose advice I would be listening to :-)
ReplyDelete