TITLE: The Jester’s Daughter
GENRE: Middle Grade
"You'll never do it!" Jordy snorted, folding his arms and looking down his crooked nose at her.
"Leave her alone," a voice called out from behind him. But none of the village children actually stepped forward to help.
"She's too scared," Jordy continued, towering over her. "And she's a liar. She said she was going to the celebration today, but we all know no commoners are invited to the king’s birthday. She's a fool, just like her daddy!"
Sunna gritted her teeth. Jordy was at least partially right: she had lied and she was scared. But she wasn't a fool, and neither was her father.
"Well, go," Jordy said, giving her a shove toward the gate. "You wouldn't want to keep the king waiting."
Sunna’s mind worked desperately, trying to figure a way out. An upset stomach? Some chores she needed to do at home first?
No. The kids would see through any excuse she might give. They’d make fun of her more than ever.
Unless she entered the castle gates. If she was lucky, she could sneak in, witness the celebration, and slink out again without being detected.
If she wasn't lucky, it would be a whole different story.
As Jordy let out a loud snort, Sunna's decision was made. All that mattered was proving him wrong. So with determined steps and her head held high, she turned toward the gate and didn't look back.
I love Sunna. In such a short passage you can tell that she is proud and tough, you know her station in life, and you know who her enemy is. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but I think there's too much dialogue--and I never open with it. I think you need a little more set-up and description, though you've done an awesome job of it in what you've got, I just need to see in Sunna's head more.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Anon. above. I love the opening. You've plunked us right in the story and provided enough sympathy and motivation to have us rooting for her. Great job.
ReplyDeleteAlready in 250 words, I know I love Sunna and have a strong sense of empathy towards her...Good job! The only little thing I noticed was that you use the word "snort" 2x, so I would change this. The last 2 sentences are my favorite, left me rooting for Sunna and wanting to read more.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opening. Be careful in that second section, which has a lot of "she". Perhaps Sunna's name can be introduced there.
ReplyDeleteI think the section below should be one paragraph:
"Sunna’s mind worked desperately, trying to figure a way out. An upset stomach? Some chores she needed to do at home first? No. The kids would see through any excuse she might give. They’d make fun of her more than ever. Unless she entered the castle gates. If she was lucky, she could sneak in, witness the celebration, and slink out again without being detected."
As you have it, it reads like more dialogue. And if it's combined, it gives "If she wasn't lucky...." more power.
I think maybe a touch of description would help before the dialogue. I'm not opposed to opening with dialogue, but I was confused by what was going on. You might even just need one sentence to just tell us where we are.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, Sunna is a great character so far. I'd definitely read on.
I'm not a fan of opening with dialogue. To me, it feels like walking in on a conversation that has been going on for five minutes. It makes me feel lost, intrusive and excluded. I wouldn't want to do that to my readers! It took me until the 4th para. to know whose POV this was in. But I like the tone and the mc has guts...the makings of a great hero! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI like the dialogue opening. I'd use the word taunted instead of snorted in the opening because it sets the dynamic right away and clears up any confusion about what's going on.
ReplyDeleteIt has me wondering where it's going, what the culture is like, and where this adventure will take us. I'd read on for sure.
Plus I'm a sucker for young women heroes.
The Jester's Daughter DEFINITELY has me craving more! This sounds like such a wonderful adventure and I feel it would appeal greatly to the middle school age. I also like Sunna's spunk! I would love to read more!!!
ReplyDeleteI think this opening with dialogue worked. I got right away who Jordy is and I like Sunna's reaction to him.
ReplyDeleteToo much description would turn off a middle grade reader.
Nice job!
I didn't have a problem with you starting with dialogue. Dialogue can work just as well as anything else if you do it right. But I did think we should have met Sunna sooner. We don't meet her until the fourth paragraph. Perhaps add a paragraph between the first and second that shows us Sunna's reaction to Jordy's remark?
ReplyDeleteAlso, you're talking about kings and villages and commoners which gives this a medieval vibe. Perhaps do a bit of world building here so we get a sense of time and place. Maybe show us the castle, change daddy to father. If we are in medievel times, don't let your characters' speech be too modern.
I like how the conflict quickly established her personality and that of the bully. I think kids will pick up on the interaction without needing a lot of introduction, but perhaps a small paragraph establishing the setting would help with visualization.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
Great imagery here. We get a very clear picture of Sunna's spirited, brave personality. I was rooting for her right off. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening, and I feel like we got to know Sunna's character right away. And with the title, I can only imagine what her father will be like!
ReplyDeleteI love the opening and this passage left me wanting more. I like how the action starts immediately, creating the critical hook. I believe the title would already provide setting and context for the middle grade reader. They are a smart, media savvy age (already), and able to pick up on context clues quickly. Great work! I want to keep reading!
ReplyDeleteOne snort too many. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'd open with a variation of a later sentence: Sunna [had to enter] the castle gates. If she was lucky, she could sneak in, witness the celebration, and slink out again without being detected.
Then I'd go from there with the kids taunting her.
Sunna is definitely the type of heroine I love in middle grade, but you wait three paragraphs for us to get to her. I want to be in her head, from the start.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the heave dialog tags get distracting. And this could really be cut in half and still be the same opening, just more effective.
Unfortunately I would probably stop reading at this point because if the rest of the manuscript were this dense, it would be difficult to get through, despite a good plot and spunky heroine.
There's a lot of tell not show here. Two snorts in 250 words and you really need to establish some sort of historical reference for me. I don't know what I am and this would work for an illustrated book, where I visually establish facts that don't need to be repeated, which is what happens.
ReplyDeleteIf it's a castle then does the language match the period. The style of your writing.
If it's not illustrated then you need to do it in words... and maybe where you start is very difficult to do for your vital beginning, that one small opening to hook your reader. (And the editor)
I would prefer the story to start earlier. Why did Sunna lie to Jordy in the first place? To me, that's the moment the story should being, because it reveals so much more about who your MC is and why she's gotten herself into this situation.
ReplyDelete