The concept of this opening is hooky - I'd read on - but the sentence is rather awkwardly phrased, so I would stop in a hurry if the next few pages weren't perfect.
I like it. I like the small detail that shows us what the narrator notices and I'm hoping the next will give the reader an idea how how the narrator will react. If it's important.
Even if I wasn't familiar with this story, I think the detail is intriguing for a sci-fi. The only thing that took away from the opening was the "ten year old girl". I think 'little girl' would suffice.
Seems kind of cruel to focus on the girl's physical deformity. Although, in only 25 words, it's hard to tell if that is what is happening. It could be her super-duper SF power. So, I'd read the next sentence at least.
You got me. The first thing we're told about are the girl's eys, the title is absorption, it's sci-fi. I'm guessing those eyes are going to be doing a lot more than seeing.
You might put the girl first - The ten year old girl's blue eyes looked identical, but the left refused to keep up with the right as she glanced around the room.
Lost and confused. I initially thought there were a line of dolls all with blue eyes. Not hooked, but I wouldn't let the first sentence keep me from pressing on for a bit longer.
why is unknown the narrator so immature to focus on a physical deformity when telling us about the girl? Classless. Not hooked, repulsed.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Amy Jo, it took me a minute to figure out the beginning of the sentence. When that happens with a first sentence, I'm likely to put it down.
ReplyDeleteThe concept of this opening is hooky - I'd read on - but the sentence is rather awkwardly phrased, so I would stop in a hurry if the next few pages weren't perfect.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I like the small detail that shows us what the narrator notices and I'm hoping the next will give the reader an idea how how the narrator will react. If it's important.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked only because I had to read it a couple times to get what it was saying.
ReplyDeleteEven if I wasn't familiar with this story, I think the detail is intriguing for a sci-fi. The only thing that took away from the opening was the "ten year old girl". I think 'little girl' would suffice.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a little confused
ReplyDeleteI'm mildly hooked by the premise. But the long sentence was a little hard to parse.
ReplyDeleteSeems kind of cruel to focus on the girl's physical deformity. Although, in only 25 words, it's hard to tell if that is what is happening. It could be her super-duper SF power. So, I'd read the next sentence at least.
ReplyDeleteThis confused me as well. I had to read it a few times. Like Claire, I would, however, read the next sentence. ;)
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I think if it was reworded a bit to understand the eye issue I might be hooked
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis may be an important description of the girl, but I wouldn't start there.
You got me. The first thing we're told about are the girl's eys, the title is absorption, it's sci-fi. I'm guessing those eyes are going to be doing a lot more than seeing.
ReplyDeleteYou might put the girl first - The ten year old girl's blue eyes looked identical, but the left refused to keep up with the right as she glanced around the room.
This didn't do much for me. So, no, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. It's an interesting detail to start on, but the sentence itself is a little tangled. With a little reworking, I might be hooked.
ReplyDeleteLost and confused. I initially thought there were a line of dolls all with blue eyes. Not hooked, but I wouldn't let the first sentence keep me from pressing on for a bit longer.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sentence is a bit too convoluted to be grabby, and why do we care what physical issues the girl has? Not as a first sentence, I think.
ReplyDeleteconfused enough to read a sentence or two more to see if i can figure it out but not because i'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI don't get it. I had to read it a few times and then just left it. Are her eyes that important to the story that they're the best place to start?
ReplyDeleteI also had to read this several times. For that reason I wouldn't continue.
ReplyDeleteI like it a lot. It's such a small detail but it characterizes the girl immediately.
ReplyDeleteAlmost--I like the characterizing detail pointed out, but it doesn't really grab me overall.
ReplyDelete