TITLE: The children of Paralan GENRE: Social Science Fiction
The only human settlement on Paralan had the highest suicide-rate in the galaxy. Recently arrived, Galactipol-constable Vera Staven had already learned a dozen different ways.
Not really hooked. I had to read it a couple times to get it. It sounds like it's trying to cram too much world info into the beginning -- like a query, actually.
The first sentence grabbed me, but the second left me feeling "meh". I might read a little more to see if it flipped back again (you'd get at least a paragraph out of me)
Semi-hooked... I'm assuming she's been cleaning up a lot of messes since just arriving as a new police officer. I have a feeling this could be a little too dark for me, but I'm curious at least about where you are going with this.
Like the first sentence. You lost me with the second (which makes me wonder if perhaps you cut it down to fit into the 25 word limit). Still, I might read on.
I like the idea but not the set-up. It's telling. Perhaps start with Vera Staven at the scene of a suicide. Put us immediately into the story, rather than explaining to us first.
Hooked by the idea. I'm wondering if you could just say the city's name at the start to tighten it up a little, and maybe condense it into one sentence (pardon me for making up the name for an example): "Paralan City had had the highest suicide-rate in the galaxy, and recently arrived Galactipol-constable Vera Staven (etc)."
The fact that it's the only human settlement on Paralan can come a little bit later, I think. I'm guessing it's important to the world-building, but the bigger piece of information in the first sentence is the suicide-rate, so I'd say make sure that's front-and-center.
Not really hooked. I had to read it a couple times to get it. It sounds like it's trying to cram too much world info into the beginning -- like a query, actually.
ReplyDeleteTorn. Could be really cool, but something about it isn't grabbing me saying, "Jodi! You need to read this!" So I dunno.
ReplyDeletesemi-hooked. Love the idea, not sure about the words.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Not hooked. Though, I'm generally averse to sci-fi that focuses on mass death, destruction, and general morbidity. That's just me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with momwoman, nice idea but too many strange words
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence grabbed me, but the second left me feeling "meh". I might read a little more to see if it flipped back again (you'd get at least a paragraph out of me)
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked... I'm assuming she's been cleaning up a lot of messes since just arriving as a new police officer. I have a feeling this could be a little too dark for me, but I'm curious at least about where you are going with this.
ReplyDelete2nd sentence kind of confuses.
ReplyDeleteLike the first sentence. You lost me with the second (which makes me wonder if perhaps you cut it down to fit into the 25 word limit). Still, I might read on.
ReplyDeleteHOOKED! But I'm hooked by your ideas, not your writing!
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest a rewrite, and make this opening simpler to follow. Cuz the ideas are SMOKIN'!! ㋡
I like the idea but not the set-up. It's telling. Perhaps start with Vera Staven at the scene of a suicide. Put us immediately into the story, rather than explaining to us first.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading - partial hook.
ReplyDeleteLike the idea, but this feels more like setting up the story than the story itself. I might read a little further.
ReplyDeleteHooked by the idea. I'm wondering if you could just say the city's name at the start to tighten it up a little, and maybe condense it into one sentence (pardon me for making up the name for an example): "Paralan City had had the highest suicide-rate in the galaxy, and recently arrived Galactipol-constable Vera Staven (etc)."
ReplyDeleteThe fact that it's the only human settlement on Paralan can come a little bit later, I think. I'm guessing it's important to the world-building, but the bigger piece of information in the first sentence is the suicide-rate, so I'd say make sure that's front-and-center.
Still, would read on!
Like the idea and that you give the name and title of the protag. Could be better if you showed her finding a suicide. Hooked, though...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement. Vera does find a body in the next few paragraphs but that's only the preface to the real problem.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, the story does not focus on suicide but on the difficulties living on Paralan and on the clash of two cultures (Human and Native Paralan).
Almost, but the second sentence feels too clunky and like it's missing something.
ReplyDelete