Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. Trying to think of a way to verbalize why, but I think it's just not hooky.
I'm curious about what the oft-repeated sentence is, but I'm not dying to know.
"as if the bang could punctuate the much-repeated sentence" sound clunky. Not hooked.
Alas. I get the feeling this is supposed to be sharp and harsh, but the sentence and its structure are not reflecting that.
Just not feeling it...
I'd rather hear the much-repeated sentence before the action.But the situation is interesting. I'd read a few more paras.
I'm with Fairchild, I want the sentence too. As it is, this doesn't really grab me. I might read on to see if the sentence is there, but maybe not.
I'd personally thump my fist on the tabletop, because otherwise it would sting. -> But I'm definitely hooked. :)
Yeah, this doesn't hook me yet--and the 'as if' - just punctuate the sentence and don't be trying, just do it.
Slightly hooked. Improve it and I'll be hooked.
I'm semi-hooked. I'd read more.
I was hooked. Don't know exactly what did it, but I liked the voice
I had to reread to understand this. I think this sentence is too long and clunky. Like others said, I'm more interested in what that sentence is, than in unraveling this sentence only to find out I don't know the sentence being referred to.
Someone's mad. It's not enough to hook me.Stating the sentence could make all the difference in the world.
Not hooked.I get the idea what author is trying to achieve, but I think the beginning will be better served by two punchy sentences, than one long and confusing.Oh, and try to start with the much repeated sentence, and then this one. Might be more catchy if you start with yelled dialogue, so to speak :)
Idea is sharp, but writing doesn't quite match. Not hooked.
Semi-hooked. Sentence needs a little tightening but conveys her anger.
Not hooked, sorry.