Miss Snark's First Victim
Not really hooked. 'On most mornings' makes it sound as though the next sentence will explain how this morning is different. But it doesn't really.
Not hooked. The name "Prudencia" seems like one that would be making fun of a character rather than a serious name, and being followed by the smell of cow just isn't hooky for me. Does she not hate the stench of cow this morning? I wonder if it would be punchier without the "on most mornings" at the start.
It's kind of meh for me.
Not hooked. Sounds like she suddenly likes the smell of cow and I the name Prudenica threw me.
not hooked, it doesn't grab
Not hooked. I don't really understand what cow stench has to do with anything, why it's following the MC, or how many excursions she could be up to in one morning.
Just don't equate cows and steampunk. sorry.
What Adam Heine said.
Eh. Her name is hard to understand. Her obsession with the cow smell is understandable. But where's the urgency? And the voice? I think there's a loose hook here, but not a strong one.
This didn't really do anything for me. Not hooked, sorry.
Not hooked. The logic doesn't follow. On most mornings she hated the stench, on this morning -- she should love/detest or have some feeling about it. Instead you tell us what the stench is doing. And is excursion the right word?Show us what she's doing/thinking/feeling.
Hooked enough to read for a while longer and see where the story was going. Not hooked enough to want to read the whole book outright.
Meh. (sorry!) I think it's the name that turned me off. Not sure why.
The title seems like it might be OK. But the name Prudencia? It has GOT to go. I would avoid reading the book based on it having a name like that I hate it so much.
This is familiar. It reminds me of an opening from the last secret agent contest when someone went into a tree to watch a boy after smelling animals. If it's the same, I would begin in the tree.Because it's Steampunk, I'm sure you're looking for an older-sounding name, which isn't so bad. Maybe Prudence? If you like it, leave it.
I love steampunk, but this didn't hook me--it feels a bit clunky and could use tightening.
Sigh. Thank you all for your feedback.I've figured out a few things that went wrong here. First of all, I tried to keep a line from the original draft in the rewrite, shoehorning it in. That obviously didn't work. Secondly, this line is out of context...because this isn't my first line, it's just the first line of a later chapter. My previous first lines didn't fit neatly in 25 words. But it still isn't great. Thirdly...the name stays. If you can't read a book because you don't like the character's name...I don't know what to say about that. It's supposed to sound formal and regal...and annoying. There's a bit of tongue-in-cheek about my writing, so burdening characters with strange names is part of the game. The juxtaposition of the name with milking cows is completely intentional.But anyways, lesson learned. Must...kill...darlings........