Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked on that lovely first line.
What do you mean by? "It was quiet and just our forks." I'm confused.
This one is weird for me. It seems like it's reaching for a certain type of voice, but not quite there. I'm not hooked (to be fair though, it isn't really a genre I read much of)
I think this one needs more verbs. Alas, not hooked.
Not hooked. I think you have the elements there but it's confusing. Literary has to be as clear as commercial work, it's just more lyrical.
Not hooked. It felt like there were some words missing, and that left me confused.
I agree with Stephanie, I don't get that sentence
Sorry... I'm not hooked. I think it needs to be filled out more.
Not hooked. Sorry. And the writing wasn't quite there for me. The "forks" sentence confused me.
The meatloaf was quite?I wanted to like this, but I just couldn't.
Confused by the forks line...not hooked.
Not hooked. "It was quiet and just or forks." Sounds like the meatloaf was quiet and I have no idea what 'just our forks' means.
not hooked....I understand what you mean by just our forks-but should elaborate (of course, this is only 25 words)
Liked it. I understand the literary prose, so not to worry...but some won't catch on to the language. You've said so much in so few words and created tension. Hooked.
Sorry. Not hooked. "that mom cooked,' makes me ask if they normally eat it raw. You're also saying the meatloaf was quiet, and the sentence is unfinished.Writing aside, dinner and a phone call isn't catching my interest.
Not hooked -- the 2nd sentence killed it for me.
"It was quiet and just our forks" I'm not sure if the room was quiet, or if the actual chewing of the meatloaf was quiet. Not hooked, but I would read a bit more.
this sounded more like a middleschool novel than literary fiction.
I like it because you're showing what's going on, as if we're in the middle of the story and you're not just telling it to us. I think it works!!
Would keep reading a bit further.I am not really hooked, and the forks sentence lacks something for sure. But the story is reaching for a type of narrative I like, so would give it a chance.
I'm kind of confused by the ending of the second sentence, as if the forks needed to be making some sort of noise!
I like it but the voice sounds too young for literary fiction. More middle grade.
I'd drop the second sentence or do something it. For me, it makes no sense and therefore your third sentence loses some of it's power. I'd probably skim on to see who she's calling and why.
not hooked - the meatloaf being quiet and the forks just threw me out of it too much. Sorry.
It was meatloaf night, which meant we would eat in silence. What could you say while you force fed yourself Mom's meatloaf brick. All you could hear was the scraping of our forks until Mom cleared her throat."I'm.....It needs something...not sure what, just an idea. What is your target audience? MG? YA?
Sorry, not hooked, and I agree with the commentor who said it sounds more like middle grade than literary fiction. The voice sounds juvenile.
Here you've used "meatloaf" as an adjective as in "Tonight was dark." I think you mean "Tonight was meatloaf night."However, about is mixes tenses. Its something like present perfect continuous. I'd have to look it up to be sure. Either way, unless you're going to write the whole thing in present tense, I would change the structure to past tense. You probably intent ended "it was quiet, except for the (insert alteration here) of our forks.I like the premise a lot and that you're trying to build suspense. But you have to get a reign on the grammar.
Not hooked, sorry.